nihly

i am an on going mixture of happy and sad, but mostly sad still, which is annoying. it was st patrick's this weekend and we went out but the guys were too late getting loaded before the bar that the line up was too big at the club, so we cabbed it to the pub. at which point i was just mad. 'cuz when you are a girl who isn't ALLOWED to drink, you just want to dance. you don't dance at pubs, you just get even more loaded. which they did. and i sat there doing nothing all evening thinking about past st. paddy's days and how much more fun they were and how a lot of choices have been wrenched from me by this disorder and how it's not faaaaair... man, i rarely feel sorry for myself but i had a pity party for one at the pub this weekend.

friday was good, i went to see 10,000 BC with Rob because that is what he wanted to see and i usually choose all movies AND steal the remote on him so he cannot control the TV, so i let him have his movie and it was as the reviews said it would be. but since i had incredibly low expectations going in, it was fine and i wasn't paying hehe. i just had a good time with rob and i was happy on friday. and i didn't do any work this weekend for school, which i have loads of.

we are sort of preparing ourselves juuuuuust in case i don't pass for a second time. i may not pass a second time. and just in case i don't get my sweet job with the city once again, i am going to apply at some places i like NOW and maybe i will just have to work part-time. and maybe next year i will have to do school part-time, because i seriously cannot write anymore. my concentration is gone completely. it's a shame, because i am not a bad writer and i like university, but we are looking at the possibility that maybe university and school in general is far too great a stressor for me now and if it is what is making me depressed, i need to scale it back.

i don't know how i am going to pay for things. i am trying not to feel like a total failure, but it's tough not to when you can only be the you that you are sometimes and not all the time like you wish you could be. i know i complain a lot here but i'll be grey end of april and i don't think writing this stuff out on here helps anymore, anyways. there's a bunch of things i have to adjust in my life so that i can be happy living with my disorder, and it means giving up and not being able to do a lot of things i used to do. and not being able to partake in activities people my age partake in. so i am just grieving that right now, i suppose. or i grieve losing those things as they present themselves. i am told it's normal and fine so i am sad and angry nihly right now. and i am sorry i could not pull a happy post out of me for you to read. but i am singing a bit this morning and i'm thinking of robert frost's birches poem, which i will probably print out after this...

i will got to the gym tonight and start going regularily to hopefully further stabilize my mood. and it's sunny now. i am going to start walking rob's family's dog, the other and ill behaved one, mia, who needs to be walked and get more attention. they never walk her and as it is not rob's dog, dallas is, it's not his responsibility to do so or keep her trained. so i will try and help out because the dog has so much freakin pent up energy. perhaps if she's able to let that out more rgularily, then she will be better behaved around the house. and i feel good walking outside in the sun with her.

hope you had a good weekend,

NIHLY