nihly

I have been thinking a lot lately, as I often do when I cannot translate thought into action by whatever mental malady that holds me back.

Alex can be a very inspiring person to be around. I was told in my "classes", if I view myself so negatively, then get the people I know and love to write out how they see me from a-z. Just to see if it's in opposition to my views.

I tried to drag this out of him and it was hard. Because here is what I think of myself right now: lost, sad, trapped, a burden to people, unproductive, letting herself down, overly wary, non-risk taker, selling herself short, non creative in the sense that I am frustrated with the belief I cannot create anything that is novel/new, weak but strong, hypocritical, still trying to see the end point instead of enjoying the journey. vain. bad. a disappointment, because i have potential but don't put it anywhere. i don't know where to put it, dependent on people's opinions way too much

Alex thinks: I am a good, close friend, kind and helpful, think too negatively about things too often but that it can easily be changed, afraid/scared, innocent, creative, a walking contradiction (outgoing but then shy at the same time) as in contradictory in my behaviours i guess, unique, a happy girl in a scared girl's body, always afraid I am going to "miss out" on something, i hold myself to unattainably high standards, he doesn't think i am vain but that my level of vanity hehe "is normal and equal to my level of beauty", i worry to much, i filter the things I say and do too much because of what other people might think.

So I thought I could translate this into an art series, with a visual portrait of how I think I look, or how visually I see myself, and then pick people's minds, not letting them cushion their opinions, and get what they think of me and then express those visually so i would have a series of portraits of myself, all different. but then it doesn't really work, because if i am to create the portrait of what this person thinks i am, then really it is nihly's view of what this person thinks nihly is. if you are still following...

anyways. a glitch in my idea. so i asked how alex would create me visually. he said in black and white. not because i am very "black and white", ie" easily read, or categorized, but let other people fill in the colours because that's what i always seem to do. let other people's views sway me too much, let other people determine who i am and how i act instead of just being me.

I am me. but just as he says, i am a filtered me. there are very few people i am not filtered nihly around. there are very few people who get my full truth of who i am. that's why cigs is hard to get over. i didn't sugar coat anything. i was me, take me or leave me. i told it how it was, i didn't back down or change. I am so bothered by my materialism right now. it always bothers me when i am surrounded by my things too long. i am so bothered by how it seems i have imprisoned myself in fear. i don't know what i am afraid of, so crippled by it, i don't know.

how does one let go? let go let go let go... when i am constantly white knuckling it. i am still bothered with the question, what do i contribute? but instead of asking myself that and wondering, i am wasting time when i could be out there just contributing...just doing it. if only i could let go of whatever fear of the unknown thing that is holding me back. it makes me sad because i don't need other people to tell me i have so much potential. i know that. i am upset because it's wasted on a girl who is scared of something nameless and faceless.

NIHLY