nihly

cigs bought me the new sia cd, called ironically "some people have real problems"

but it's really good, and not depressing. he didn't want to get it if it was depressing.

it's not.

he's sorry for everything he's done to me. he gets that he's done little to add any good to my life, whereas i have always been good and forgiving to him.

it just takes life's brick wall-warnings before he makes big changes. i hope he turns things around again. he treats his body like shit. i knew it would catch up with him just not this soon

but i can't really think about this too much. it's his journey now. i have my own stuff to deal with, and rob has been very patient but he and my mother are both nicely asking me to cut him out of my life.

i don't think i can. but i can keep a safe enough distance. but fucking cancer. fuck. the caring, nurturing part of me that always wants to help people, such a big part of me, that always gets me in trouble, can't handle that.

so i can't not be there for him. but only as a concerned friend. only. i respect rob, i respect myself.

i've been struggling the last week or so with depression and suicidal thoughts. i just need to keep going i know i know i know. but it just doesn't seem like things work out for the nice people. it's like it's not survival of the fittest anymore, but survival of the meanest.

i get so sick of it.

i was so ready to never even talk to him again too. never again. he got to play the cancer card. mannnn.

so i really have to work hard now and just get more schoolwork done. i just want to see where this is going better. where is this all leading to for me?

i hope only to good things.