haha barnet put up the SG pics from the weekend late, but they are all different sizes. this is ridiculous:
but my buddy sent me another website's pics, which i didn't even know were taken, via facebook. so here THEY are:
and yeah. my new fun hair. i got lots of compliments on it at the bar, actually. and i can wear cute tiny pigtails
school is going good. i am stayin chatty and making new friends. i am trying to keep focussed and be motivated with my work. i got a big-ish paper written sunday night and some photography things done tuesday. instead of leaving the school and coming home to distractions i have been staying all day and finished another assignment for tomorrow, and also started a painting i'm not required to do, because I passed the class but since we didn't do the assignment i am doing it for fun. it actually is shaping up alright.
i chilled with mr. ex mr. cigs the other day and it helped to put some closure on things, in a really strange way but it did none the less. strange in that i doubt i can really hang out with him as a friend, but it was good because it proved i am a different person now. he hasn't seen me in a long time so he really really notices i am more balanced. when you talk to me, i engage with it, whereas i used to be a space cadet. when he took my over to a friend's place, i was able to meet them and carry on a conversation, which i couldn't handle before, meeting new people like that or unfamiliar social situations. and i don't want to cheat. he respects me and despite the things he has said in the past, he doesn't want to "make" me do something that would cause me unhappiness or regret. but it doesn't matter because it proved i am happy with rob in our relationship and i felt no desire to do that.
i did end up crying in the car on the way home, though. which was awkward. he thought it was his fault. but it's not. it is hard to explain why i did. i could make an attempt for you: i couldn't be a normal couple with mr. cigs, despite our really liking each other. it was a fucked up relationship. i was a fucked up girl at the time. and even though he has his fucked up moments, i was really a mess. i was really only ok with him when we were alone chilling together. so he would tell his friends how awesome i was, and bring me out but because of how i was, i would detach from my surroundings and blank out i was so stressed. so he was embarassed, and rightfully so, i can completely understand. you really couldn't take me anywhere. and he didn't want me around his parents. and that made me feel like a head case and looking back, a big slut. because i don't like being that way. i don't like being the late night phone call girl, snuck out early in the morning. but we couldn't do any better at the time and we had good conversation and now i know i was valued beyond the sexual aspect. but i am sad that i couldn't be more. and all the stuff from my past, the time i missed, the opportunities lost because i wasn't well, makes me feel shame and regret.
i know i couldn't control it at the time. i know i am doing the best i can now, and it's getting better everyday, that i am way way better now and basically "normal, and i shouldn't look back, all that stuff. but it's hard not to think about the people who really did mean something to me along the way and hope that it was real, and be sad it couldn't have been different. that's all. i know we won't ever have a second chance, and i doubt we'd have had the first if i hadn't been a little bit of a mess to begin with. but i had real feelings and i wish i could have experienced a real relationship with the guy, metting and socializing properly with his parents and friends and he with mine.
on the upside, that is what i have and where i'm at now with Rob and we do have our ups and downs but i am nothing but grateful for being able to be in a good steady realationship with him. today it is our 6 month anniversary. we got out every month at the end of the month to celebrate. it's our date night because we really don't, either of us, have alot of money. so i get to see Juno and then we are going to a place called Demetri's afterwards. for you who don't have it, it's a restaurant/slightly more up scale ice cream place. they make their own ice cream and it's really good, even though it's freezing outside.
love to all
NIHLY!
but my buddy sent me another website's pics, which i didn't even know were taken, via facebook. so here THEY are:
and yeah. my new fun hair. i got lots of compliments on it at the bar, actually. and i can wear cute tiny pigtails
school is going good. i am stayin chatty and making new friends. i am trying to keep focussed and be motivated with my work. i got a big-ish paper written sunday night and some photography things done tuesday. instead of leaving the school and coming home to distractions i have been staying all day and finished another assignment for tomorrow, and also started a painting i'm not required to do, because I passed the class but since we didn't do the assignment i am doing it for fun. it actually is shaping up alright.
i chilled with mr. ex mr. cigs the other day and it helped to put some closure on things, in a really strange way but it did none the less. strange in that i doubt i can really hang out with him as a friend, but it was good because it proved i am a different person now. he hasn't seen me in a long time so he really really notices i am more balanced. when you talk to me, i engage with it, whereas i used to be a space cadet. when he took my over to a friend's place, i was able to meet them and carry on a conversation, which i couldn't handle before, meeting new people like that or unfamiliar social situations. and i don't want to cheat. he respects me and despite the things he has said in the past, he doesn't want to "make" me do something that would cause me unhappiness or regret. but it doesn't matter because it proved i am happy with rob in our relationship and i felt no desire to do that.
i did end up crying in the car on the way home, though. which was awkward. he thought it was his fault. but it's not. it is hard to explain why i did. i could make an attempt for you: i couldn't be a normal couple with mr. cigs, despite our really liking each other. it was a fucked up relationship. i was a fucked up girl at the time. and even though he has his fucked up moments, i was really a mess. i was really only ok with him when we were alone chilling together. so he would tell his friends how awesome i was, and bring me out but because of how i was, i would detach from my surroundings and blank out i was so stressed. so he was embarassed, and rightfully so, i can completely understand. you really couldn't take me anywhere. and he didn't want me around his parents. and that made me feel like a head case and looking back, a big slut. because i don't like being that way. i don't like being the late night phone call girl, snuck out early in the morning. but we couldn't do any better at the time and we had good conversation and now i know i was valued beyond the sexual aspect. but i am sad that i couldn't be more. and all the stuff from my past, the time i missed, the opportunities lost because i wasn't well, makes me feel shame and regret.
i know i couldn't control it at the time. i know i am doing the best i can now, and it's getting better everyday, that i am way way better now and basically "normal, and i shouldn't look back, all that stuff. but it's hard not to think about the people who really did mean something to me along the way and hope that it was real, and be sad it couldn't have been different. that's all. i know we won't ever have a second chance, and i doubt we'd have had the first if i hadn't been a little bit of a mess to begin with. but i had real feelings and i wish i could have experienced a real relationship with the guy, metting and socializing properly with his parents and friends and he with mine.
on the upside, that is what i have and where i'm at now with Rob and we do have our ups and downs but i am nothing but grateful for being able to be in a good steady realationship with him. today it is our 6 month anniversary. we got out every month at the end of the month to celebrate. it's our date night because we really don't, either of us, have alot of money. so i get to see Juno and then we are going to a place called Demetri's afterwards. for you who don't have it, it's a restaurant/slightly more up scale ice cream place. they make their own ice cream and it's really good, even though it's freezing outside.
love to all
NIHLY!
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
yay on 6 months and so forth