nihly

sighs.

so i just don't do lonely well.

i am having a hard time, still, with friends.

they just aren't here in whitby, they are spread out.

or they are too busy to hang out. or too lazy.

i get all panicky and upset if i have to spend too many nites alone in my house.

and Rob is getting tired of seeing me alot.

all i have is his words in my head: how do i say this nicely? make friends.

needless to say, i'm feeling pretty weird towards him now. i feel unsupported. like i'm a burden. no fun to be around...

but ok Rob. the reason why i suddenly have no friends? cuz all the ones before we were together were guys.

and they weren't looking for friendship. and i gave them up to go out with you. like a person quitting cocaine. all the old "friends" are gone.

my best friend amy is busy but we do get together when possible. my best friend alex is runnning around trying to find work.

as is nick, who has currently settled for a telemarketing position and works late.

other people in toronto, i just don't have the money. i thought i had another cheque coming from the city but guess what i don't.

when i tried to reconnect with old friends in whitby, well, they didn't really respect me or keep me safe we'll just say.

an old friend, allie, has come home but she is really bipolar right now and very hard to be around, especially when i'm working my shit out.

i'm all therapied out. i have to talk about crappy stuff all day. then i come home and my boyfriend makes me feel like he's babysitting me when i come out with him. and says counter-productive things to me.

yeah, i had friends from school last year. but not close ones. and they are spread out, too. and "school" this year? there are rules against being friends out of "class". and i am the youngest anyhow.

that said, when the course is done, i am going to exchange numbers with a guy and girl who are late 20's, early 30's.

the girl said i'd be awesome with her friends to take out. what i wouldn't give for a girl's night with more than two girls lol.

the guy said we could go around on his motorcycle and i want to see his salt-water aquarium. he has a shark.

we're all fucked up together so who cares. and at least i know that the guy isn't interested in me other than as a friends. cuz i try to make friends here, with guys usually because i feel more at ease, but now when i get a come on from people i'd rather not, instead of knowing how to deal with it, i just don't hang out again.

all that's happened in the past rules out trusting both guys and girls for me. but i am fighting to cope better. i just can't help but feel lonely, somewhat rejected, somewhat misunderstood, and very very tired of fighting with myself all the time.

so i'm trying not to seem needy. but really, i am. i need people. is there that much shame in that?

NIHL