I'm trying my darndest to work up the motivation to clean up my room, it's just such a big job having pretty much given up on it for three months.
I hate clothes right now. I hate that I feel like I have to look like a walking commercial everytime I step out. Hair, (i don't do make up, really), the shoes the purse, the everything matching. Haven't got the right coat, haven't got this season "colours", haven't got the right boots, metallics are in, sequences, blacks and greys and whites, blah blah blah.
I'm wrestling with myself, while I attempt to fold the many clothes I already DO have, to not just go out on another shopping binge. For one, they suck to pay off, and for two I know next season, next week, next year, it won't be good enough anymore. I already did some shopping last week... never enough
Then it makes me sad that I worry about this crap when it's freaking CLOTHES. I have many of them, they do their job. Some people don't have any, some people don't have food, I'm worrying if I look classy, or too young for my age and if it's good enough, how are my boobs in it...? Ridiculous!
It's all fall's fault. It got cold like a smack to the face just WHAM!, from 26 to 6 degrees overnight. I don't know how to work the thermostat, it's freezing in herrrrre. The parents come home from their two weeks vacay tomorrow.
My sucess rate at being alone while they were away THIS TIME is better. I didn't eat well, but i ate. I showed up for things I was supposed to and socialized. I didn't curl into a little depressed ball and stay in bed and lose ten pounds again. I went to work and it's DONE! yessss, I have been driving more, taking care of myself, keeping things clean...I took huge steps back two years ago, from independent and living on my own with my own income, to bascially needed taking care of in all aspects of daily life, to baby steps back to independence.
So congratulations to me. I have started a daily journal of things I have accomplished and "exceptions" to my negative thinking, where basically I write down the good things people say or the things I have done that counter the part of me that is utterly void of self confindence. So I can look at it and prove to myself that I am wrong.
I start group sess tomorrow (boo). It sucks, but I know it will help and I'm hoping the ages of people aren't all scattered across the board so perhaps, while it may be good for differing viewpoints/perspectives, I can at least make a new friend this year. This group should also help me counter my negative self image.
I found out last one on one sess that I am riddled with shame for everything from the smallest crap thing I did today to my entire being, and being here. Where did it come from? I do not know, or when, but it has been pounded into me over and over again until I became a self fulfilling prophecy and even knowing what I was doing to myself, shame makes you feel like you and the core of who you are is bad, and that bad people don't derserve good things. So I deprived myself of good things for a long time
I'm working my way back, but it's hard. I have no self image, really, when other people know who I am and I don't, it is scarey. When I work to do what I can to get everyone else's approval, but don't know how to get my own, it's disheartening. I don't know how to learn, but I'm willing, and I'm taking the steps to getting there.
The new temp at my now, old, work Scott gave me a good Van Wilder quote that I forgot, but as a collector of quotes, I'm really happy he did, and it goes right into my journal cuz I do it alot: "Worrying is like a rockingchair. It gives you something to do, but it's doesn't get you anywhere." Which makes me want a porch, a rockingchair, a good book some hot tea and some NICE less harsh fall weather.
I bought orange mums and made pots up for out front for when my mom comes home. Switched it up for the season. The others were dying and there's nothing more depressing than dead flowers. And that's about it.
Rob and I have been bickering lately, but I have been over a lot due to the friends all over the place and parents not home, so less Rob and more me is in order. And that's possible now. He's still sweet and I love him so much. He's the best. He had to work yesterday, on the weekend, but he was done at 12 and asked to come over. He brought me orange and yellow roses.
The ladies like flowers, men, so keep 'em comin. Doesn't matter how long, or short, you've been together. They are simple yet very much appreciated
SCOTT, if you are reading this 
LOVE<
NIHLY
I hate clothes right now. I hate that I feel like I have to look like a walking commercial everytime I step out. Hair, (i don't do make up, really), the shoes the purse, the everything matching. Haven't got the right coat, haven't got this season "colours", haven't got the right boots, metallics are in, sequences, blacks and greys and whites, blah blah blah.
I'm wrestling with myself, while I attempt to fold the many clothes I already DO have, to not just go out on another shopping binge. For one, they suck to pay off, and for two I know next season, next week, next year, it won't be good enough anymore. I already did some shopping last week... never enough
Then it makes me sad that I worry about this crap when it's freaking CLOTHES. I have many of them, they do their job. Some people don't have any, some people don't have food, I'm worrying if I look classy, or too young for my age and if it's good enough, how are my boobs in it...? Ridiculous!
It's all fall's fault. It got cold like a smack to the face just WHAM!, from 26 to 6 degrees overnight. I don't know how to work the thermostat, it's freezing in herrrrre. The parents come home from their two weeks vacay tomorrow.
My sucess rate at being alone while they were away THIS TIME is better. I didn't eat well, but i ate. I showed up for things I was supposed to and socialized. I didn't curl into a little depressed ball and stay in bed and lose ten pounds again. I went to work and it's DONE! yessss, I have been driving more, taking care of myself, keeping things clean...I took huge steps back two years ago, from independent and living on my own with my own income, to bascially needed taking care of in all aspects of daily life, to baby steps back to independence.
So congratulations to me. I have started a daily journal of things I have accomplished and "exceptions" to my negative thinking, where basically I write down the good things people say or the things I have done that counter the part of me that is utterly void of self confindence. So I can look at it and prove to myself that I am wrong.
I start group sess tomorrow (boo). It sucks, but I know it will help and I'm hoping the ages of people aren't all scattered across the board so perhaps, while it may be good for differing viewpoints/perspectives, I can at least make a new friend this year. This group should also help me counter my negative self image.
I found out last one on one sess that I am riddled with shame for everything from the smallest crap thing I did today to my entire being, and being here. Where did it come from? I do not know, or when, but it has been pounded into me over and over again until I became a self fulfilling prophecy and even knowing what I was doing to myself, shame makes you feel like you and the core of who you are is bad, and that bad people don't derserve good things. So I deprived myself of good things for a long time
I'm working my way back, but it's hard. I have no self image, really, when other people know who I am and I don't, it is scarey. When I work to do what I can to get everyone else's approval, but don't know how to get my own, it's disheartening. I don't know how to learn, but I'm willing, and I'm taking the steps to getting there.
The new temp at my now, old, work Scott gave me a good Van Wilder quote that I forgot, but as a collector of quotes, I'm really happy he did, and it goes right into my journal cuz I do it alot: "Worrying is like a rockingchair. It gives you something to do, but it's doesn't get you anywhere." Which makes me want a porch, a rockingchair, a good book some hot tea and some NICE less harsh fall weather.
I bought orange mums and made pots up for out front for when my mom comes home. Switched it up for the season. The others were dying and there's nothing more depressing than dead flowers. And that's about it.
Rob and I have been bickering lately, but I have been over a lot due to the friends all over the place and parents not home, so less Rob and more me is in order. And that's possible now. He's still sweet and I love him so much. He's the best. He had to work yesterday, on the weekend, but he was done at 12 and asked to come over. He brought me orange and yellow roses.
The ladies like flowers, men, so keep 'em comin. Doesn't matter how long, or short, you've been together. They are simple yet very much appreciated
SCOTT, if you are reading this
LOVE<
NIHLY
A very big congratulations on making it through your parent's vacation on your own. Big hugs.
So all done with work now? What's next?
we'll msn soon hun...nite.