WHOA WHOA WHOA!
BP/PMS Breakdown City.
How quickly things change...suddenly everything seems wrong to me. I even would like to die. Here I am again at the bottom. Please, it's running through my mind that I am a total failure, I will never amount to anything, I am tired of fighting, I am a walking problem and I can't even keep it concealed anymore. Everyone thinks I am crazy, all my relationships around me are crumbling to pieces, I am totally alone and tired of fighting anymore. It's not fair for me to wish to die? Well, I say its not fair that a person chemically programmed to wish to die were born in the first place.
Sometimes when I'm like this I hear of people who died on the news and I wish I could switch them places. Maybe then they'd appreciate things a bit more than I can right now. I remember thinking that exactly when 9/11 happened, all I wished so badly for was that one of those people jumping out of that building were me, that they could live and I could die for them instead. I was sad the event happened, I was sad I couldn't save one of them.
So please help me out and tell me I am creative, intelligent, worthy of being on this planet, not a failure but I fighter. give me hugs and hahaha internet love? i guess. I need support I don't know if I might end up having to go to the hospital tonight maybe. The only problem is they have no background context on my issues, so we called my therapist. We're doing the best we can (me n' my parents, that is, and my best friend Alex)
Since I had a big talk with b/f Mark last night about how he is worried about being able to deal with me as a good support, he thinks he is going to be shitty at it and that he will hurt me in that way ultimately, I think it's best he stays away for a bit. Because he simply won't understand this and today he kept asking why WE were fighting. WE are not fighting, darling, it's all me. And ya it's in my head, but I can't calm my head or the chemicals so really just some time and some positive comments and hugs and kisses are helpful.
YA. ok sorry.
And, check out the wonderful stencil Nick made me in profile pic #2. He is such a sweetheart, now I can go bomb the parks with him. Alex is on his way over right now to help calm me down, It's just like the old days...I love him so much he is the best even if this year was a little fucked up on our friendship.
Good night SG buddies.
Tomorrow is another day and I will probably be better soon. Well, I know I will, I'll work it out.
I haven't eaten yet today and I feel faint from hunger and heat and crying too much. and stress.
So bye, and thanks
Love,
NIHLY babes
7:30 pm edit: we got an appointment with my therapist, 8pm. I just popped half a demi perc to calm down, and I'll see Alex after I'm done at 9 ish. This is good, no hospitals!!! hooray lol
BP/PMS Breakdown City.
How quickly things change...suddenly everything seems wrong to me. I even would like to die. Here I am again at the bottom. Please, it's running through my mind that I am a total failure, I will never amount to anything, I am tired of fighting, I am a walking problem and I can't even keep it concealed anymore. Everyone thinks I am crazy, all my relationships around me are crumbling to pieces, I am totally alone and tired of fighting anymore. It's not fair for me to wish to die? Well, I say its not fair that a person chemically programmed to wish to die were born in the first place.
Sometimes when I'm like this I hear of people who died on the news and I wish I could switch them places. Maybe then they'd appreciate things a bit more than I can right now. I remember thinking that exactly when 9/11 happened, all I wished so badly for was that one of those people jumping out of that building were me, that they could live and I could die for them instead. I was sad the event happened, I was sad I couldn't save one of them.
So please help me out and tell me I am creative, intelligent, worthy of being on this planet, not a failure but I fighter. give me hugs and hahaha internet love? i guess. I need support I don't know if I might end up having to go to the hospital tonight maybe. The only problem is they have no background context on my issues, so we called my therapist. We're doing the best we can (me n' my parents, that is, and my best friend Alex)
Since I had a big talk with b/f Mark last night about how he is worried about being able to deal with me as a good support, he thinks he is going to be shitty at it and that he will hurt me in that way ultimately, I think it's best he stays away for a bit. Because he simply won't understand this and today he kept asking why WE were fighting. WE are not fighting, darling, it's all me. And ya it's in my head, but I can't calm my head or the chemicals so really just some time and some positive comments and hugs and kisses are helpful.
YA. ok sorry.
And, check out the wonderful stencil Nick made me in profile pic #2. He is such a sweetheart, now I can go bomb the parks with him. Alex is on his way over right now to help calm me down, It's just like the old days...I love him so much he is the best even if this year was a little fucked up on our friendship.
Good night SG buddies.
Tomorrow is another day and I will probably be better soon. Well, I know I will, I'll work it out.
I haven't eaten yet today and I feel faint from hunger and heat and crying too much. and stress.
So bye, and thanks
Love,
NIHLY babes
7:30 pm edit: we got an appointment with my therapist, 8pm. I just popped half a demi perc to calm down, and I'll see Alex after I'm done at 9 ish. This is good, no hospitals!!! hooray lol
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
gah.. I hate them.
As I am sure you do.
You know for me the most powerful thing in a situation like that? Is knowing that I have been there before and I always come out the other side. That my dear is the wisdom of your experience and is the most powerful weapon you have when the black cloud hovers.
My heart goes out to you.