nihly

Once again...a boy(s) dilemma, which I shall write out for your entertainment...hahahaha how does this happen?

I want to eventually at some point become Crush's g/f. But I am wondering if he really wants that, after *ahem* certain disappoints upon his return from BC. He seems to just want laidback fun. Mind you, I'm no free cow. Things are still PG13 between us.

I don't feel like opening up with all my shit to a person who might just up and leave on me, or I even further down the line realize it's not meant to be.

I still like Cigs and it's not going away. If he calls me again, I know what will happen. And I won't feel bad, either.

My best guy friend Alex, I just had the most frustrating phone convo with him the other night where he kinda beat around the bush but I got out of it that he needs some time away from me because he thinks his feelings for me are a little too strong. He said one of the last times we hung out, afterwards, he flipped out b/c I guess I told him something shitty one of my guys did (former guys). And he is tired of seeing me treated badly over and over again.

I know Alex likes me alot. I tell him I love him and miss him all the time. But the pushing away is upsetting me, and he also has alot of shit going on right now and he won't let me help because he doesn't want to burden me. I love Alex too, and this is just not something we talk about. Nor does either of us want to. But he's my best friend too and I really want him back around...I cried and cried.

I ALSO met a guy through VDay boy, one of his friend's brothers, hahaha when i was running around runk and naked skinny dipping on Friday. And he's freakin awesome. But it is so complicated. And I think he kinda likes me already? Not cuz of the naked, he has some pretty wild friends and it's nothing new, but he's all artsy and graphicy design and I dunno. He thinks I'm down to earth and he came over to chill today before my last training sess, played guitar and gave me an awesome massage. And I gave him hand massages b/c they are not as *ahem* personal contact? but they are equally awesome, moreso. I'm the queen of them for sure.

We are going this weekend to TO to see if there's anything we can go to for the Illuminata Festivals, it's arts and stuff, and I'm pumped if we can see something cuz I wanted to go but didn't know who would come. And he wants to take me out for some minty kind of drink I forget the name of. After we chilled, he phoned and left a message saying it was cool to meet me and he had fun. Then a text. Oh geezeeee

And VDay keeps leaving lame MSN names that I know are about me, in reference to me, that are being very self pitying. And he called last nite before bed, the convo was going all good and then he spazed over something little and hung up on me.

So. I am going to wait a bit on Crush and see if he comes around a bit more with bein on my page. Or maybe we should talk.

Because did I mention my trainer is also awesome, wicked smart, very successful and hahaha buff? Beczuase he is and we go for drinks sometimes. And he'll be on campus with me next year.

I just shouldn't do anything right now. I have been so good behaving, I have to keep it up. Well, I slipped but shhhh, everyone does once in awhile and he isn't my boyfriend...I'd be good if he was.

I get all distressed over guys all the time and I can't say anything because most girls have quite the opposite problem. See Facey? THIS is what I am talking about. I don't even do anything. And even when they are nice and try to be my friends, they don't really want to be.