nihly

So it's very cold at the park right now. And this morning very cloudy. It made a pitful attempt to rain. Just enough to darken my mood further. All because, really, when you are left to do mindless tasks such as picking litter off the ground, and you have to keep reminding yourself to every once in a while to look up from your boots to enjoy the nicer view (the one I'm missing), it also leaves a lot of time for thought. And some I just don't want.

You know, but I tried. Two white swans came by the rocks I was grabbing fireworks crap off of and I crawled back up the hill and watched them a bit from the path. Then my partner rolled up in the truck behind me and honked, once, twice. I didn't respond til the second honk. He asked me what I was doing and when I said I was simply watching the swans he laughed.

I told Dave, I don't think i'm ok, today. He said, "Stomache or head?" Head. In my head. So after break on the mowers I threw on my mp3 player to try to drown the bad shit out. It only worked partially.

But I just made the realization that most people on here are struggling with the same basic thing I am: How do you love yourself, idependently? And we all seem to be working on it. So at least we are trying. And in the meantime I listen to songs that I respond to...which I already posted part of but who gives a shit?

"When everything is lonely
I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper;
have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons
and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening,
by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart;
I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me
have thrown their backs out
trying to lift it..."

And BTW: more damage done to the car than initially thought, but apparently the truck i backed into, illegally parked. so, i learn for next time, what else are mistakes for? some of the money i owe my 'rents from the year will go towards fixing the car i guess. but what can i do other than take responsibilty for it and say i'm sorry mom (it was her new car) and just pick up and keep trying, right? they don't want to discourage me from driving when i just started again so they are trying really hard not to come across as too mad or upset. i love them and i love them for it. ah my parents. they are my rocks.

And at the end of the day, when all's said and done, I still feel OK so no worries I guess right?

nite!