nihly

Ok, I know you guys are switching up the site and thus, this is why it is moving DEADLY slow, but just let it be known that I HATE the new layout, put it back to what it was! FUCK!....

That said.

My crush came over last nite. He is so sweet. I hope sweet enough to force me out of other people...

We were hanging out and I turned on my music while he was watching TV (haha) and I was dancing around. He watches for awhile, bemused. He asks if I always do this. Yes. When I'm not around? Yes, always, except naked. But you won't let me be naked. Naked is so much better...

And later he wants to go out for a bit, get stoned, get teas, but I asked if I could just sing for a bit more? He laughed. Yessss, you can. Hahaha....Whatever, I like to sing, I'm not done yet. He told me he loves my kisses. We kiss like we're making love...Soon, and I bet it will be so good it will make me cry. For hours. It better be for hours.

Some random thoughts from yesterday that I was too lazy to deal with then:

I try to live each and every breath
But it's hard to combat
The thoughts constantly
Switching back to death

I cry for people that I barely know:
Mere acquaintances,
Starving children,
Death tolls on the radio.

Maybe if I cry enough
I will be forgiven
For all others lack
Because of what I am given

I lay in this bed,
Knocked out on my back
A lazy Sunday turned Monday
But it all melds to black.

She's reveling in
Prescription pills given
For others uses than this,
Avoiding thinking and living.

Because I tire to think thoughts
That others avoid
For reasons such as: just too depressing
Or maybe they're droids?

Going about
Their daily routines
Blinking little cogs
Stuck in a machine .

(Oh how clich!)

But then there are some
Who think my thoughts too
Those are the persons
That I wish I knew...

I would scoop them all up
Into this bed
Ideas flowing together
And they'd ring through my head.

Pondering complexities
Not quite figured out
Like, "Does freedom exist?"
You say, "Yes", but I doubt.

I crawl and I climb to small triumphs
But and only some see
Sad I don't know who I am
While outsiders view it perfectly

Fuck my ungrateful
Hypocritical ways
But you're just a girl, goddammit
This is just a life phase

You need to stop
And let go of the worry
You can't grow up faster
Than you'd have things hurried

Because you arrive to what ends?
If it's all just the journey
Why can't you enjoy
The process of learning?

But i want to know NOW...

If you were through everything
You'd wish to go back, turn around
And start all again
Until your mind became sound.

Who invented this stupid game?
That I'm forced to play
And even though I hate it,
I do wish to stay.

But I also wish that for everyone
It was fair, all could win
Except that's not how the rules go
So who's out next and who's in?

Sitting here covered
In my blankets, in my bed
We're all converging minds
Into one single thread

Which really does nothing
Except fills space and time
Tricking us into thinking
That we really are wise.

Holding my hand, be beside me, this is our home,
And though I don't understand it,
The fact that you don't either
Makes me feel less alone

I hate being alone

And why have I even got in my head
That I'm big enough
To make the slightest difference
In recovering what's lost

But I need to make up for my living
And the damage I've caused
Being here on this earth
Is so great a cost.

Am I really worth it?

This is all me
This is my mind
What you can't see
From the outside

Treasures are found
If only you dig
Are my ideas small?
Or epiphany big?

Some people make efforts
While others just zone
I wonder, then, if their results,
Would be jewel or stone?

(Those who actually took the time to talk to me)

What is the value of (Nihly)
Is it determined by you or I?
Is this bantering you are reading
As delightful as a newborn's cries?

Probably not.

So I guess I will have to fight
And replace the bad for better and old with new
Until saying "I'm important."
Becomes a statement that's true.

Just to let you know, I was actually just thinking and quiet happy all day, even if some of my thoughts may seem sad, I was quite the opposite. I am just hard on myself. Everyone who knows me says...Whatever. I'm hard on myself because others are not, and I just want to make this place better and my existence have some meaning.

There.