Oh today. I am sad.
I had to have oral surgery at 5pm on my gums. I didn't work myself up for it so i wasn't prepared for the aftermath. It really hurts, especially since...i wasn't prepared for it
But i did that on purpose, and didnt think of it coming up at all until i had to, because I hate going to the dentist's and ppl fucking with my teeth. I prolly took about seven or 8 needles to the mouth, i dunno. alot of freezing. unpleasant but awesome doctor, so nice. young guy, jokes around alot. but still, i was a baby and some tears rolled down the sides of my face. when the assistant took some kleenex and wiped them away, i started to cry more cuz i got so mad at myself. there are other people in this world who don't have what i have, who have to endure surgeries with no anesthetics, or who dont even have the opportunity to get them at all, and they even die because of it. i felt so ungrateful so being such a baby. but i do have anxiety about it and i just had to sit and wait there til it was over.
My dad had a horrible day too. He picked me up from my surgery. I have never ever seen him cry before, so when he did I was startled, and i didn't know it was real until I looked over. breaks my heart, he is my rock, you are not supposed to see your rock cry. He is a retired teacher and so supplies from time to time, for my sister and i, for our schooling. He has been covering all week for a teacher whose son just died. Today was the son's funeral, and he had just come from attending it. At first, we thought it was a teenaged son, and it was a car accident. Then we thought, a car accident with the whole family involved. Today I found out it was their two and a half year old boy, and he choked on a small toy. They caught him almost immediately and tried everything in their power to revive him but.....
My dad reached over and took my hand and seeing him cry made me cry cuz I couldnt stand it. he said "I thought I was over it but....I'm not over it. I thought I would be ok but....You are not supposed to see your child die. They are supposed to grow up. You take care of them, then you get old, they take care of you. You are not supposed to bury your child. I love you so so much."
I love him so so much. And I know he cries too, because he knows that he...does not know...how many times he has come that close to nearly losing me. That he just does not know. But I have the fortune from my Yogi tea, I held on to it from awhile back. It said "Live for others." And I did, for so so long. But it got me nowhere. Somehow I was wrong. And now I have learned that in order to live for others, as that is in my parents eyes, I need to live for me. And I am slowly learning how to do that. Because all they have ever wanted is for me to be happy. At times that seemed impossible, but I take steps everyday to change that. So my dad will never have to be in that position, at my funeral, and cry for me. Ever. I live for them by living for myself first. I live on my love for them, and it fuels me to go on and be the best person I can, the best that's within my power.
But still, this family is suffering. And i sometimes just get weighed so heavily by all the world's pain. And it just brings to mind some writing/a song some of you may recognize, because that is all i have to say. i don't know. i just don't know....
"If I Could" Jack Johnson
A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said "Your tears are like mine"
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in
You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
But lo que passo, passo...and always, it seems, for a reason, Though that reason may not be immediately apparent. I hope they can heal and I hope there is a lawsuit, if they can handle that. those are hard but, so is losing a child to a toy that is just to small.
I had to have oral surgery at 5pm on my gums. I didn't work myself up for it so i wasn't prepared for the aftermath. It really hurts, especially since...i wasn't prepared for it
But i did that on purpose, and didnt think of it coming up at all until i had to, because I hate going to the dentist's and ppl fucking with my teeth. I prolly took about seven or 8 needles to the mouth, i dunno. alot of freezing. unpleasant but awesome doctor, so nice. young guy, jokes around alot. but still, i was a baby and some tears rolled down the sides of my face. when the assistant took some kleenex and wiped them away, i started to cry more cuz i got so mad at myself. there are other people in this world who don't have what i have, who have to endure surgeries with no anesthetics, or who dont even have the opportunity to get them at all, and they even die because of it. i felt so ungrateful so being such a baby. but i do have anxiety about it and i just had to sit and wait there til it was over.My dad had a horrible day too. He picked me up from my surgery. I have never ever seen him cry before, so when he did I was startled, and i didn't know it was real until I looked over. breaks my heart, he is my rock, you are not supposed to see your rock cry. He is a retired teacher and so supplies from time to time, for my sister and i, for our schooling. He has been covering all week for a teacher whose son just died. Today was the son's funeral, and he had just come from attending it. At first, we thought it was a teenaged son, and it was a car accident. Then we thought, a car accident with the whole family involved. Today I found out it was their two and a half year old boy, and he choked on a small toy. They caught him almost immediately and tried everything in their power to revive him but.....
My dad reached over and took my hand and seeing him cry made me cry cuz I couldnt stand it. he said "I thought I was over it but....I'm not over it. I thought I would be ok but....You are not supposed to see your child die. They are supposed to grow up. You take care of them, then you get old, they take care of you. You are not supposed to bury your child. I love you so so much."
I love him so so much. And I know he cries too, because he knows that he...does not know...how many times he has come that close to nearly losing me. That he just does not know. But I have the fortune from my Yogi tea, I held on to it from awhile back. It said "Live for others." And I did, for so so long. But it got me nowhere. Somehow I was wrong. And now I have learned that in order to live for others, as that is in my parents eyes, I need to live for me. And I am slowly learning how to do that. Because all they have ever wanted is for me to be happy. At times that seemed impossible, but I take steps everyday to change that. So my dad will never have to be in that position, at my funeral, and cry for me. Ever. I live for them by living for myself first. I live on my love for them, and it fuels me to go on and be the best person I can, the best that's within my power.
But still, this family is suffering. And i sometimes just get weighed so heavily by all the world's pain. And it just brings to mind some writing/a song some of you may recognize, because that is all i have to say. i don't know. i just don't know....
"If I Could" Jack Johnson
A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said "Your tears are like mine"
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
I'll miss my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
One goes out
One comes in
You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could
But lo que passo, passo...and always, it seems, for a reason, Though that reason may not be immediately apparent. I hope they can heal and I hope there is a lawsuit, if they can handle that. those are hard but, so is losing a child to a toy that is just to small.
I just took some of his little socks out of the dryer...
It would definitely be too much.