nihly

I said, "Now don't get you hopes up I could go back down again", but

My mom said "When was the last time you were happy for a week?"

"I don't know. I can't even remember."

Probably when I was twelve, a tomboy wearing hand-me-down clothes and not giving a second thought to what I looked like or caring what people thought;

climbing trees and catching frogs, playing hide-and-seek in the ferns of the ravine, manhunt at night;

running around in the summer tanned and barefoot and coming home smelling like fresh air;

times when my dad lovingly called me "monkey" and his "golden goddess".

There would have been a happy week in there. Many in fact, because those times are the ones I long for when I'm feeling down. Just to go back.

I had a happy week, or maybe to you a "normal" one. No anxiety. Not a slave to time and schedules (I used to fear them before). I could sleep without medication, like a log. I visited friends and made phone calls, where as before I would push people away when I felt sad and be afraid of the phone.

I have a head cold. But I don't even care. Today I am going to sit and relax without any guilt and read, something I haven't been able to focus enough to do in ages, despite aching to do so and a bulging bookshelf taunting me.

Relief. Thank god for some relief.

I drink this tea, Yogi Tea, which I love for the simple fact that on the end of the tea bag there's a word of advice or a fortune:

"Make yourself so happy that when others look at you they become happy too."

...I plan to. I will.