I often come on here and post short little ramblings about my nonsense life/thoughts... 
sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads this, and why. I am not one of the highly viewed SGs, a fact that I'm totaly ok with, but I wonder if I'm just ranting to myself sometimes on here... ah hell...
Life is so busy lately I can't see straight.
Working full time. School full time. Bartending 2 nights a week to pay for my sons school. Plus teaching Faith Formation... yes, people trust me to teach their children about God... our youth is fucked. 
Just sayin. I never get any sleep... here it is 11:15 and I'm still thinking of a dozen things I have yet to do today, trying to figure out when I'm going to write the papers I have due on Tuesday, and wondering what my group from class is going to say about me ditching out on our groop meeting so I can get tattooed on Sunday. Bah. i'm stressed, exhausted, and lazy... terrible combination for me. 
Holidays are coming.
I hate the holidays. I hate the commercialism of it all. I hate all the assholes who pretend to be nice for 4 minutes while covertly trying to scam some old lady out of money. But more than I hate all of that, I hate how terribly alone I feel every year from about this time through New Years. I have a huge family. We get together on a handful of different days throughout the season... and yet, sitting in the noisy, crowded rooms of my mothers house surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc... I feel alone. Having my son there with me is the only thing that keeps me from feeling invisible. His love and amazingness melt away the majority of the empty feelings... I'd detest Christmas entirely if it wasn't for him and his lit up little face on Christmas morning. BUT... after all of the fun of the morning, he goes with his dad for the day (as my family celebrates on Christmas Eve) and I'm alone. Utterly. Alone. 
This year I've made plans to hang out with my adopted brother (see: brother's best friend, therefore my 'other' brother) and his older brother... Christmas Day at the bar... how fucking lonely is that? I love my 'other' brother to pieces, and am grateful to have good friends like that who want to spend their Christmas with me over anyone else... but I know it's going to be hell without my son with me that day.
To make it worse, my baby brother (see: only brother) is serving overseas; active duty with Operation Enduring Freedom. He is my best friend. Truly. I've never spent the holidays apart from him, even when I had moved out of state, I always came back to be with him through the holidays. The holidays bring back terrible memories for both of us; memories that cut through us like a knife every single time we remember them. We were there for eachother through those times... holding eachother through the pain and tears... both of which still come back to the surface every year, and we find ourselves in a hallway embracing eachother as we both weep. This year, I have to tough it alone.
Someone wake me in spring... I dont' know if I can make it through this shit on my own.
sometimes I wonder if anyone even reads this, and why. I am not one of the highly viewed SGs, a fact that I'm totaly ok with, but I wonder if I'm just ranting to myself sometimes on here... ah hell... Life is so busy lately I can't see straight.
Working full time. School full time. Bartending 2 nights a week to pay for my sons school. Plus teaching Faith Formation... yes, people trust me to teach their children about God... our youth is fucked. Just sayin. I never get any sleep... here it is 11:15 and I'm still thinking of a dozen things I have yet to do today, trying to figure out when I'm going to write the papers I have due on Tuesday, and wondering what my group from class is going to say about me ditching out on our groop meeting so I can get tattooed on Sunday. Bah. i'm stressed, exhausted, and lazy... terrible combination for me. Holidays are coming.
I hate the holidays. I hate the commercialism of it all. I hate all the assholes who pretend to be nice for 4 minutes while covertly trying to scam some old lady out of money. But more than I hate all of that, I hate how terribly alone I feel every year from about this time through New Years. I have a huge family. We get together on a handful of different days throughout the season... and yet, sitting in the noisy, crowded rooms of my mothers house surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc... I feel alone. Having my son there with me is the only thing that keeps me from feeling invisible. His love and amazingness melt away the majority of the empty feelings... I'd detest Christmas entirely if it wasn't for him and his lit up little face on Christmas morning. BUT... after all of the fun of the morning, he goes with his dad for the day (as my family celebrates on Christmas Eve) and I'm alone. Utterly. Alone. This year I've made plans to hang out with my adopted brother (see: brother's best friend, therefore my 'other' brother) and his older brother... Christmas Day at the bar... how fucking lonely is that? I love my 'other' brother to pieces, and am grateful to have good friends like that who want to spend their Christmas with me over anyone else... but I know it's going to be hell without my son with me that day.
To make it worse, my baby brother (see: only brother) is serving overseas; active duty with Operation Enduring Freedom. He is my best friend. Truly. I've never spent the holidays apart from him, even when I had moved out of state, I always came back to be with him through the holidays. The holidays bring back terrible memories for both of us; memories that cut through us like a knife every single time we remember them. We were there for eachother through those times... holding eachother through the pain and tears... both of which still come back to the surface every year, and we find ourselves in a hallway embracing eachother as we both weep. This year, I have to tough it alone.
Someone wake me in spring... I dont' know if I can make it through this shit on my own.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
iapetus:
Well I'm new here as of today actually, but I read your blog, and I'm sure many others do to... Maybe many aren't replying because even though like me they could say words upon words, they just don't think it would matter? I appreciate what you're doing though. My mom was a single mother and raised me, props and keep doing what you do.
nicole:
thank you