Hello, welcome to The Mental Health Hotline!
If u r obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If u r co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for u.
If u have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If u r paranoid, we know who u are and what u want, stay on the line so we can trace ur call.
If u r delusional, press 7 and ur call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If u r schizophrenic, just listen and a small voice will tell u which number to push.
If u r manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number u push, no one will answer.
If u r dyslexic, press 9696969696.
If u have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If u have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, social security number, and mother's maiden name.
If u have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.
If u r bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If u have short term memory loss, press 9. If u have short term memory loss, press 9. If u have short term memory loss, press 9.
If u have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators r too busy to talk to u. :D