nicci

Bah. I wish I had something important to say. I've been too far from the rest of society and too involved in my private circle. I can only speculate on how I feel today, as selfish and self-absorbed as it is. I feel like crying because I feel old today. Though I'm relatively far from it... perhaps it's the ortho-tricyclene again. Perhaps it's due to an overload of Tom. Perhaps it's due to a sense of a Nicci-overload for Tom. Or maybe I'm just hungry. I always get what I want, don't I? Shouldn't I? Am I moving too fast towards stability? Should I play the near-21 year old and enjoy the insanities of "spontaneity" when they come? Haven't I already surpassed that stage? Will I turn into another bar-hopping, silly, slutpuppy of a newly-legal girly-girl? I just want everyone's attention. I just want it for good reasons. I will even share it. I want to speak things as I think them. I want you to admire me. And I want Tom to live with me. Not for the "I'm aging, I need babies and a husband" purpose. Because I'm tired. And I'm broke. And I'm loooonely. He's the only being I can stand to be around for more than a few hours. But I cannot continue to go out of my way (both literally and not) to see him. He likes his house, yes. And he would be sacrificing his garage "studio". Am I not worth that sacrifice? Is he worried that I'm aching to procreate? I swear I'm not. I've already sacrificed for him. My tire died for his sins... I buy him nice things, I do all that I can. I'll even split the rent in a way that he won't have to pay more than he already is. Not to mention that I'm willing to give up my space. All I want is to have him in the next room. I want him to be there when I come home. I want to be there when he comes home. I want to be able to buy groceries again, and not have them go bad because 1, can't make anything, 2. can only stand to eat half of it and 3. am rarely at home, because I'm *quelle surprise* at his house! There's no difference between distances for him; if anything he'll be closer to his friends and his bars. He'll only have to drive a wee bit farther for hockey. Does he have more intuition regarding this matter than I? I've been so sure that I'm thinking practically this time,
This must be the ortho-tricyclene.