Today I'm going to vent. Because if I don't, I think my head might explode into a million little radioactive pieces. Yeah..I said radioactive pieces.... 
Yesterday I was told that my Mother wanted to talk to me. When my Mother wants to talk to ME...there is either something wrong, or she simply just wants to bitch about something. It's always been that way and will probably always be that way...but...anyways...
I call all afternoon trying to get ahold of her, and left a voice message with her to call me back. At 10:30 my older brother Chuck calls and said that my Mom isn't up to talking to me for a few days....WTF? I was told that SHE wanted to talk to ME. Not the other way around. The last time that I actually talked to her was on the 4th, and the only words exchanged were "hi" and "bye". If anything else was said, she would say something that hurt my feelings and then I would argue with her and I can't argue with that woman. She always wins. So I avoid her. Like the plague.
So why is mom "not up to talking to me for a few days"? I ask. He started to tell me about the way I act around her and the rest of my family. He said that my youngest brother, Dennis told my Mom some stuff I said about her and yadda yadda blah blah bullshit...
"Yeah...soooo?"
He proceeded to tell me how I always made sure that I was the blacksheep of the family. How I did the things that I do to irritate the rest of the family. That I only think about myself. I don't love my kids. What if I decide to start my coke habit again? How if I keep on living the way I'm living, that I'm doomed to be alone. I'm fucking up my life is what he told me...
Then I let him have it.
How am "I" fucking up???! I'm trying the best that I can. I have been working, going to school, and doing what I think is right for my kids. And what's so horribly wrong with my lifestyle?? I'm not hurting anyone. I'm trying to do the best for everyone around me...including myself...
I then asked him "Don't you remember how we grew up? don't you remember mom being so drunk and so depressed that she often didn't even get dressed? Don't you remember how she used to ignore us....sometimes for days? Tell us that her life would be so much better if she just would've never had kids?? I remember being seven years old and wondering why Mom didn't love me anymore. Growing up, I excelled in math and science...but all my Mother could see is that I only tested average on my english and writing skills. Granted, I fucked up some...but now, I'm healthy. I'm reasonably happy, and I'm doing what I want to do... and all she can think about is what I look like and how it hurts her...oh puh-leaze. What the fuck am I doing wrong?? Not making my mother happy??!!
geez.
Chuck was silent for a few seconds and then told me that not everything is about me. How...this...is about how I treat my mother now. "You're a fucking cunt" he said..."and you're never going to change. Too selfish to change"
If changing means laying down and conforming to my Mother's ways...no. I will never fucking change.
Ever.
I happen to like who I fucking am. I like me. I like what I'm doing. (someone else doesn't like it....tough shit!) And I'm not putting up with this bullshit anymore.
If it means cutting all ties with some of my family members, I'll fucking do it. In a heartbeat.
It still hurts. Yes, I will admit that. But I'm not going to let it hurt for long, because I'm done with them.
I Like me. I like what I'm doing. End. Of. Discussion.
End of vent.
ImLuckyToHaveYouAsAFriendToday,
*NA
*
Yesterday I was told that my Mother wanted to talk to me. When my Mother wants to talk to ME...there is either something wrong, or she simply just wants to bitch about something. It's always been that way and will probably always be that way...but...anyways...
I call all afternoon trying to get ahold of her, and left a voice message with her to call me back. At 10:30 my older brother Chuck calls and said that my Mom isn't up to talking to me for a few days....WTF? I was told that SHE wanted to talk to ME. Not the other way around. The last time that I actually talked to her was on the 4th, and the only words exchanged were "hi" and "bye". If anything else was said, she would say something that hurt my feelings and then I would argue with her and I can't argue with that woman. She always wins. So I avoid her. Like the plague.
So why is mom "not up to talking to me for a few days"? I ask. He started to tell me about the way I act around her and the rest of my family. He said that my youngest brother, Dennis told my Mom some stuff I said about her and yadda yadda blah blah bullshit...
"Yeah...soooo?"
He proceeded to tell me how I always made sure that I was the blacksheep of the family. How I did the things that I do to irritate the rest of the family. That I only think about myself. I don't love my kids. What if I decide to start my coke habit again? How if I keep on living the way I'm living, that I'm doomed to be alone. I'm fucking up my life is what he told me...
Then I let him have it.
How am "I" fucking up???! I'm trying the best that I can. I have been working, going to school, and doing what I think is right for my kids. And what's so horribly wrong with my lifestyle?? I'm not hurting anyone. I'm trying to do the best for everyone around me...including myself...
I then asked him "Don't you remember how we grew up? don't you remember mom being so drunk and so depressed that she often didn't even get dressed? Don't you remember how she used to ignore us....sometimes for days? Tell us that her life would be so much better if she just would've never had kids?? I remember being seven years old and wondering why Mom didn't love me anymore. Growing up, I excelled in math and science...but all my Mother could see is that I only tested average on my english and writing skills. Granted, I fucked up some...but now, I'm healthy. I'm reasonably happy, and I'm doing what I want to do... and all she can think about is what I look like and how it hurts her...oh puh-leaze. What the fuck am I doing wrong?? Not making my mother happy??!!
geez.
Chuck was silent for a few seconds and then told me that not everything is about me. How...this...is about how I treat my mother now. "You're a fucking cunt" he said..."and you're never going to change. Too selfish to change"
If changing means laying down and conforming to my Mother's ways...no. I will never fucking change.
Ever.
I happen to like who I fucking am. I like me. I like what I'm doing. (someone else doesn't like it....tough shit!) And I'm not putting up with this bullshit anymore.
If it means cutting all ties with some of my family members, I'll fucking do it. In a heartbeat.
It still hurts. Yes, I will admit that. But I'm not going to let it hurt for long, because I'm done with them.
I Like me. I like what I'm doing. End. Of. Discussion.
End of vent.
ImLuckyToHaveYouAsAFriendToday,
*NA
*VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
I'm almost counting on their incompetence keeping you online till you pay off the bill. The odds are in your favor.
You're bringing the cookies to the CD party, right?