nettie

I stopped doing drugs when I was 17, that's when I found out that I was pregnant with my son Ethan who is now 4. I have these journals that I started when I was in rehab when I was 14. I love to read them and see how my thinking changed and all the weird things that came into my mind. I have not written in them in years and it's sad but the reason is because I just don't feel as creative when I'm not high or skitzing or rolling or triping. I really loved writing in those journals late at night and waking up the next day and reading what I wrote. It was like reading it all for the first time, like someone else wrote those words because I seriously could'nt recall what thoughts had been in my mind the night before. I know I could never go back to those times because now that I have my two boys it would be selfish and stupid for me to start using again. I will however admit that I miss those crazy times, I miss the rush, the hallucinations, the feeling that my heart is going to burst in a static mess. I guess now all I have are my journals to remind me of those times.... scary and good. I did way to many drugs and it's amazing that I didn't die or become seriously addicted, I was lucky enough to be strong enough to stop using the day I found out I was pregnant. I remember when I was 14 everyone said that weed was the "gateway" drug... I thought that was funny since I started doing cocaine way before I smoked weed. I actually was never that into weed since I realized that I could get way more fucked up on acid or my binges on coke. I lived with my grandparents at the time and my grandfather had alzheimers so I was pretty much free to do whatever I wanted without being noticed, and because my grandmother always had cash in her purse I had endless drug money. I used to go to school and take acid in my first period class so I could go through the day tripping, however once my coke habit got pretty bad I stopped going to school altogether. I did coke everyday and acid pretty much once a week since it wasn't as easy to find. When I was 16 I had a 26 year old girlfriend named Betty who introduced me to other drugs such as speed, extacy, crack and heroine. I started off smoking speed at first doing extacy once a week and smoking heroine once. I did crack like 7 times and I thought it was amazing, but then the person I got that from dissapeared. My speed habit got really bad, to the point where when I was 17 I started shooting up, it made me feel the complete opposite of the way it made me feel when I smoked it. I tried to get some heroine so I could shoot that up, but luckily I could no longer find that. I look back now and remember the way I was living, and the way I looked. I spent ALL my money on drugs and I was a toothpick. I went wherever the drugs were often ending up in really sketchy places with really strange people. Then the night came that I did my last drug. I was 17 in a hotel somewhere in Arlington Texas with my friend Krissy and 3 guys that I did not know. I was sitting on the ledge of the tub and some guy was next to me putting the needle in my vein...55 dollars worth of meth. An hour later Krissy insisted that I take a pregnany test which I thought was ridiculous, there was no way that I was pregnant. I took the test anyway to shut her up and I was shocked to read the line that meant that I was pregnant. Let me just say that I was absolutly terrified, I was a 17 year old junkie with no way to raise a baby.The next day i called my boyfriend Patrick and a month later we were married and he enlisted in the Navy. I never touched a single drug ever again. I now have 2 beautiful intelligent little boys Ethan and Cason, and live in Hampton VA with my husband Patrick. It's hard sometimes but I know that I need to be a good parent to my kids and that means staying clean and clear minded. I am just thankful for the new life that I have, I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.