February 15th: "And the day goes down as one of the best days of my life."
Seems to me that this occurs everytime I get to spend time with Lunna. I love listening to her talk about her past. My past is quite boring in comparison, so I don't really talk about it much. I also can't remember it very well, so it works out all the same. But with every little thing she tells me about what she's been through, both the good and the bad, I feel consistently closer to her. And that's good, because it tells me that I truly am as accepting as I like to think I am, as openminded as I claim to be.
It's been amazing getting to spend time with her twice in the past three days. And a substantial amount of time both occasions. After having not seen her for so long throughout all of March, I'm able to feel peaceful again. I still have a whole bunch of problems to work out between finances and classwork, but now at least I'm able to once again have the feeling that it's all going to be okay. I can now reassure myself, as I was able to in the past, that everything will work out no matter what happens. It's so very obvious that life is worth living.
But just what is it about me that makes me the way I am? I can't help but wonder constantly about that. I have plenty of friends that would feel uneasy knowing some of the things I do, were they in my shoes. Actually, uneasy could even be a huge understatement.
Is it because I'm not from HERE? Because I'm from somewhere far away from here, where people are completely different? That shouldn't be the reason, since most of my life has been spent here. All of the memories I know are concrete are the ones that occurred here in Minnesota. At the same time, I do know for sure that I never once felt prejudice for any reason when I was living on the East Coast. Only upon moving to Warren did I start getting teased and harrassed and shunned for things either beyond my control or beyond the comprehension of others. I thought Minnesota was supposed to be the Nice State. What ever happened to Minnesota Nice? Is it just another way to say "naive" or "ignorant"? That's not to say that I haven't met truly nice people since I've lived here, but they are few and far beween.
It wasn't too long ago that I was just another stupid teenager. Then again, I've never been stupid. I've always been extremely intelligent in comparison to most people I've known. Maybe not wise, but intelligent. Still, I used to be just like any other kid that age. This was probably around the time when I was 13 to 14 years old. I'd talk to all my internet friends, greeting them with "lol hi wassap?" and ending my conversations with "cya l8r, lol." Sure, that's an obvious difference between how I typed--no, how I COMMUNICATED then, and how I communicate now, but it was more than that. I didn't simply learn how to type really well and suddenly change. What's happened along the way?
And I can't really say that I've been conditioned from past relationships, because there haven't technically BEEN any past relationships. I've had two internet relationships, one of which was goofy and the other of which was quite serious, but that's still completely different from reality. It's like believing in high school romance. High school isn't reality, therefore any romance that occurs within is nothing but a hallucination, a need to be social with members of the opposite sex. Or maybe even a need to just get laid for the sole reason of being able to say "I did it." But I never had that need? No, I did. But I was intelligent enough to realize that no one in my high school was right for me. Having come here from over a thousand miles away, I was so much different from everyone else. Different ideals, different values, different morals. However, I'm good at adapting, so I was eventually able to blend in to some extent.
But here we are again, back at adaptation. Acceptence. Openmindedness. I guess this is something I'll never be able to understand about myself. But I don't need to, because all that matters is that I am the way I am. And realizing that is all it takes for me to be able to figure out how to best make it work for my concept of who I want to be. And in that regard, she is perfection.
Seems to me that this occurs everytime I get to spend time with Lunna. I love listening to her talk about her past. My past is quite boring in comparison, so I don't really talk about it much. I also can't remember it very well, so it works out all the same. But with every little thing she tells me about what she's been through, both the good and the bad, I feel consistently closer to her. And that's good, because it tells me that I truly am as accepting as I like to think I am, as openminded as I claim to be.
It's been amazing getting to spend time with her twice in the past three days. And a substantial amount of time both occasions. After having not seen her for so long throughout all of March, I'm able to feel peaceful again. I still have a whole bunch of problems to work out between finances and classwork, but now at least I'm able to once again have the feeling that it's all going to be okay. I can now reassure myself, as I was able to in the past, that everything will work out no matter what happens. It's so very obvious that life is worth living.
But just what is it about me that makes me the way I am? I can't help but wonder constantly about that. I have plenty of friends that would feel uneasy knowing some of the things I do, were they in my shoes. Actually, uneasy could even be a huge understatement.
Is it because I'm not from HERE? Because I'm from somewhere far away from here, where people are completely different? That shouldn't be the reason, since most of my life has been spent here. All of the memories I know are concrete are the ones that occurred here in Minnesota. At the same time, I do know for sure that I never once felt prejudice for any reason when I was living on the East Coast. Only upon moving to Warren did I start getting teased and harrassed and shunned for things either beyond my control or beyond the comprehension of others. I thought Minnesota was supposed to be the Nice State. What ever happened to Minnesota Nice? Is it just another way to say "naive" or "ignorant"? That's not to say that I haven't met truly nice people since I've lived here, but they are few and far beween.
It wasn't too long ago that I was just another stupid teenager. Then again, I've never been stupid. I've always been extremely intelligent in comparison to most people I've known. Maybe not wise, but intelligent. Still, I used to be just like any other kid that age. This was probably around the time when I was 13 to 14 years old. I'd talk to all my internet friends, greeting them with "lol hi wassap?" and ending my conversations with "cya l8r, lol." Sure, that's an obvious difference between how I typed--no, how I COMMUNICATED then, and how I communicate now, but it was more than that. I didn't simply learn how to type really well and suddenly change. What's happened along the way?
And I can't really say that I've been conditioned from past relationships, because there haven't technically BEEN any past relationships. I've had two internet relationships, one of which was goofy and the other of which was quite serious, but that's still completely different from reality. It's like believing in high school romance. High school isn't reality, therefore any romance that occurs within is nothing but a hallucination, a need to be social with members of the opposite sex. Or maybe even a need to just get laid for the sole reason of being able to say "I did it." But I never had that need? No, I did. But I was intelligent enough to realize that no one in my high school was right for me. Having come here from over a thousand miles away, I was so much different from everyone else. Different ideals, different values, different morals. However, I'm good at adapting, so I was eventually able to blend in to some extent.
But here we are again, back at adaptation. Acceptence. Openmindedness. I guess this is something I'll never be able to understand about myself. But I don't need to, because all that matters is that I am the way I am. And realizing that is all it takes for me to be able to figure out how to best make it work for my concept of who I want to be. And in that regard, she is perfection.
lunna:
I feel like I just end up rambling on to you, but it's good to know that you like when I do that. It has been very relaxing hanging out with you and something else I cannot find the word for at the moment. Last night Kevin F. and Corey were here but Kevin never showed up. We tried to watch Little Monsters on TV but just ended up falling asleep. I'm thinking with all the homework I need to do that it might be best to xtend my party to next weekend instead of the one coming up. Hmm, we'll see.
theshinobi:
Your maturity is certainly admirable. Things should go well for you, whatever your endeavours may be.