nelipot

i could really tear myself apart over all this.
but i don't want to anymore.

i have done all i could, and been the best i could be. i have tried not to be a burden, an irritant, or unfavourable company, even if i haven't wholly succeeded. i have been calm and patient during your troubled times, which were easier to understand because of my own, but none the less difficult to manage.

i can't control the things you say, the way you act or what you do behind my back. i can't control the people you see or the impressions they build up of me. i can't make you be anything other than the person you already are. but i can control me. i can be patient and calm and kind, and listen and be helpful and friendly. and i can protect myself from actions which hurt me, or letting people get to close when i don't really want them near at all. and i can be healthy and well and genuine and honest.

i can't control what you do or don't see, but i am taking the quiet resolution that this is now, after four years, the end. i take this resolution from your silence, the lack of words when my eyes are begging for an explanation indicates someone who wants to run away. and i won't be caging you.

i'll still be here in some ways, but i'm hurt and will hide. i need to build up my confidence again, and feel like i deserve other things. but most of all i will miss you, and us, and why neither of us could make it work. and i suspect, that in a few months you will be far further ahead than you can even think of being possible now.

i'm sorry i didn't let you go sooner.