Haven't written in a while... so I won't bore you with any big thoughts, but I'll skirt the edges.
I've been on and off depressed for the past six months or so. It comes and goes. When I let it get to me, I really let it get me. The past couple of months, I have been desperately trying to find a way around it. It feels like running a race backwards... I know where I'm going, but I can't see how to get there.
I've been meaning to get back into daily, or at least weekly, practice of my religion. It's something I have time for, and it's something that would help my depression, I just can't make myself do it. I used to meditate once a week when I lived in Williamsburg, it's really easy when surrounded by peaceful surroundings already. Here, I dunno, it's different. I'm still looking for my place. I still kind of feel lost, like I'm walking on the line between finally being comfortable, and staying stagnant. I'm still holding back, sort of, and I don't really know why. I really don't hate Virginia Beach that much, but it makes me feel smaller. It's like, I spend so much time just trying to find my own place, but there's so much going on around me that I just can't fit in anywhere.
I'm not really all that unhappy, I know it probably sounds like it. I'm just sorting. I have lots of files in my dusty attic, and sometimes I need to pull them out. I've been happier the past two years than I ever have, at least that I can remember. But, comparing this life to everything I've been before, I'm a much happier person. Stuff doesn't hold me like it used to, things still come at me all the time, but they bounce off a lot more. I'm more thn half way there... I just need to figure out the rest of it. I'm just worried, still. Random things. They'll go away, they're trivial anyways.
On another note, I'm cooking out tonight. Rain or not... (by the way, fuck the raining-ness that's going on outside this window) We were supposed to be going up to see my dad today, I'm really looking forward to it. If it keeps raining, I don't know how much stuff we're going to take back... But I'm looking forward to going to Williamsburg anyways. I miss it, a lot. But, the stuff I miss isn't really there anymore anyways. My brother Micah is coming down in June to visit, that aughta be cool. No matter what has gone on with Tracey and my mom and my dad, I still consider Micah and Kelsey my brother and sister. Micah seems really cool, we talk on AIM all the time. I'm looking forward to it
Another side note, I've been in the mood to write, a lot lately. I've been working on the story I started two years ago, and the more I write, the more I see it develop in my head (I don't plot ahead of time, that's boring. I just sit down and start writing, and see what comes of it...) It's got a lot of... me... in it. I think it'll be good. I'm going to paint something next time I'm bored. I don't know what, but I'm dying to paint.
On another side note ( all I have is side notes ) I think it has stopped raining, and therefore I must go shop. I was waiting to see if Tim was going to come home for lunch, but I don't think he is. So, off I go.
I've been on and off depressed for the past six months or so. It comes and goes. When I let it get to me, I really let it get me. The past couple of months, I have been desperately trying to find a way around it. It feels like running a race backwards... I know where I'm going, but I can't see how to get there.
I've been meaning to get back into daily, or at least weekly, practice of my religion. It's something I have time for, and it's something that would help my depression, I just can't make myself do it. I used to meditate once a week when I lived in Williamsburg, it's really easy when surrounded by peaceful surroundings already. Here, I dunno, it's different. I'm still looking for my place. I still kind of feel lost, like I'm walking on the line between finally being comfortable, and staying stagnant. I'm still holding back, sort of, and I don't really know why. I really don't hate Virginia Beach that much, but it makes me feel smaller. It's like, I spend so much time just trying to find my own place, but there's so much going on around me that I just can't fit in anywhere.
I'm not really all that unhappy, I know it probably sounds like it. I'm just sorting. I have lots of files in my dusty attic, and sometimes I need to pull them out. I've been happier the past two years than I ever have, at least that I can remember. But, comparing this life to everything I've been before, I'm a much happier person. Stuff doesn't hold me like it used to, things still come at me all the time, but they bounce off a lot more. I'm more thn half way there... I just need to figure out the rest of it. I'm just worried, still. Random things. They'll go away, they're trivial anyways.
On another note, I'm cooking out tonight. Rain or not... (by the way, fuck the raining-ness that's going on outside this window) We were supposed to be going up to see my dad today, I'm really looking forward to it. If it keeps raining, I don't know how much stuff we're going to take back... But I'm looking forward to going to Williamsburg anyways. I miss it, a lot. But, the stuff I miss isn't really there anymore anyways. My brother Micah is coming down in June to visit, that aughta be cool. No matter what has gone on with Tracey and my mom and my dad, I still consider Micah and Kelsey my brother and sister. Micah seems really cool, we talk on AIM all the time. I'm looking forward to it
Another side note, I've been in the mood to write, a lot lately. I've been working on the story I started two years ago, and the more I write, the more I see it develop in my head (I don't plot ahead of time, that's boring. I just sit down and start writing, and see what comes of it...) It's got a lot of... me... in it. I think it'll be good. I'm going to paint something next time I'm bored. I don't know what, but I'm dying to paint.
On another side note ( all I have is side notes ) I think it has stopped raining, and therefore I must go shop. I was waiting to see if Tim was going to come home for lunch, but I don't think he is. So, off I go.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
i rather like VA beach. i spent a lot of time there when i still lived in VA.