navybuilder

So this is my turn to let some things out.. Ive held in for a while and it should come out. Things have not been going so great for my relationship this month.. in fact I can honestly say that they have been really bad and I hate that because I know that this time it is my fault and hers but not so much. its been really hard on us and its because of both of us and our stubborn hardheadedness that it gets so bad sometimes. Most of the time one of us (me) gives in cause I know she is right but not always. I just dont know what I am supposed to do. The most recent thing was that I had a phone situation where I got my new phone when I was in Florida with kristen and it was great a very cool little thing compared to what I had in Japan. But When I got here in Chicago to go to school I wasnt watching my mintes and I started using my phone alot. Now Yes it is normal to be wanting to catch up with friends and see how they are doing and whatnot especially if you havent talked to them in a while.. but what happened is that my friend amanda and I started talking and catching up and we started talking alot, to the point where it became everyday with phone conversations and texts back and forth and whatever. It stayed that way for a while too.. Amanda is my Ex gf from before I joined the military but after our relationship was over we ended up staying friends and talking every now and then about how we were and what was new in our lives. We have both moved on from that relationship we had and she is with someone and has 2 kids and I am obviously with kristen and at the final stage of my divorce. Kristen hates my relationship with amanda and doesnt see how we could be friends. I want her to be comfortable with my friendship because I made it very clear that we are only friends. yes I admit that talking alot to her when I first got here was not right that we talked so much.. I mean the phone bill alone was outrageously expensive and I ended up talking to amanda a few hundred minutes less than I talk to kristen. So i stopped that, I told her that we couldnt talk that much and that we could not keep that up because it was hurting my relationship and it wasnt right when we were just friends. So I stepped up and took the lead and made a decision about it that I think was a good one for where friends should draw the line at. Now I do admit that I have never always been perfect about knowing what the proper way of doing things is because ive never known it any other way. I have just done it a certain way as I saw acceptable because it didnt cross any obvious lines and now it is becoming clear that even then it has to be regulated closely so I am trying to adapt to that even though I am a little stubbnorn about it.. I am trying.. The other thing is that I was and am still legally married thanks to barbra boxer and the great crappy state of CA. When Kristen and I got together I told her that I was divorced already.. I did that for 2 reasons.. One because I knew my marriage was over and already being processed which I found out later it wasnt totally processed yet because my ex wife to be was so lazy that she hadnt done what she was supposed to...so i had to pick up the reins and do it myself.. as much as i could.. and the other because I didnt want her to have to see all the hurt and pain and garbage that I was going through when I was married. But it came out when I was there with kristen I told her I was still married and that I had adopted a little girl who I was giving custody back to my wife for since it was her daughter and I found out later that really she wanted me to adopt her because she wanted midoris dad to be out of her life. So she is taking full custody and financial responsibility of her and the divorce is now going through as planned before without anymore problems I hope. But I lied to her.. and really if she had known that I was still married before we got together she wouldnt be with me now despite that we are really happy together.. i feel guilty that I liad to her like that because she did deserve to know the truth despite that it was over and despite that it was alot for me to deal with and talk about. I should have been honest and come clean with her when we first started talking even when we were just friends... Arghhh... Ok I am done. I have said what i needed to say and get it out of my head for a minute... Kristen makes me incredibly happy and I am very blessed to have her in my life despite our hardships we face in our lives. I love her and i miss her and I want to be with her right now.. I wish she knew how I felt.. I wish there was something I could do.. I wish we could get past this.. in time I think we will. I hope so.. Goodnight.