naville

WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL IN THIS??
I want to drop dead, half the time I want to kill him or better yet myself. I don't even know if I get mad anymore because he's taken so much from me already and feel like I'll be left empty when he's gone or because I really truly care. I've shed more tears over that sorry asshole than I ever imagined I would. And yet I stay. Why..what is preventing me from leaving? I know I should, my family knows I should and wants me to already. Half of my friends know I should. So what is it? Is it physical, emotional, mental? WHAT?????? I don't even know why I get angry at him most of the time. I blame him but deep inside maybe its because I'm mad at myself for not being able to go. And then I'm mad at him again because he makes it hard. But why is it hard?
I've never had problems dropping guys before. Maybe we share too many things? We basically have the same friends so I won't be able to rid myself of him completely?
So I'm going to Britain. Trying to start something over there, maybe what I'm looking for in life isn't here in new york city anymore. Maybe this could be the first step of the rest of my life.
And of course I wanted SOMEONE to come. Anyone willing to. It was just me being nervous and scared but wasn't expecting to do this trip with anyone. It was MY life I'm trying to figure out. But having a friend around is always a nice feeling. And he makes the decision that if I'm going he's going too. And I KNEW I was definitely gonna go. but he's a slacker and is comfortable living in the situation that he's in. So I never really thought he'd go through with it. But he did. And I don't know if I'm happy or pissed or scared or sad about it. This was supposed to be ultimately about ME. Now its about US.
It's nice to know someone familiar will be with me when I make this big change to an unknown place and everything. But I would have been happy had it been anyone. What's more, I was totally prepared to go by myself bc I made the decision by myself and was doing this for me. And maybe this was the chance to see if I could really leave him or if I was in love with him truly and it was just some sort of twisted sick love and was ready to really be with him like i had said to him before. Which of course, now I regret bc I wasn't ready..obviously.
But now I'm not going to get that chance. And it feels like I'm stuck in this situation against my own will most of the time. But no matter how I try I can't seem to bring myself to leave him.
We've broken up before of course, but I always go back or take him back. It's obvious I'm the one at fault here. I'm weak and I hate myself for it. I know I am. But I don't know what to do. And even with everyone telling me to just follow my heart and leave and even though I've tried to do that...something else inside me won't let go.

And I'm going crazy.