I lay awake for a pretty long time, feeling lousy. I knew, most likely, everybody was not ok . I knew that I wasn't going to one of those guys, that I was never going to be like Edward Gonzales or Theodore Fisher or Lawrence Meyer. I knew that when my father said that I was an asshole he meant it. That I honestly wasn't going back there again ever. And that I wouldn't like working in an office. I started wondering again, albeit unoriginally, where the ducks in Central Park went when the lagoon was frozen over, and I guess by the light coming in the room, a good long while later, that I had, at some point, finally fallen sleep.
trixxie:
I really like reading your "yarns"..I have trouble every night falling asleep. Its funny how the quiet of the night and the stillnes of my being is the enemy of peacefullness for me. I lay there thinking about how easily others fall asleep. I watch as my husband, every goddamned night, lays his head down, takes a long labourus breath and instantly falls into slumber. Makes my blood boil. I seem to run from one chore to another from 6 AM till around 9 or 10, so there isn't much time for introspection. When I lay my head evrything floods in..from childhood anxieties, memories too terrible to speak of, to current ongoing secrets that eat away at me nightly. I am beginning to loathe that hour when I want to go to sleep..what makes it worse is I am SO fucking tired but I know that as soon as I get in there, my new bed, dark room, I will just lay there listening to Karl breathe and dwell on all the shitty things that I have done, or that have been done to me.
trixxie:
"they" won't let me join the gay girls club here on SG unless I have a pic up...fucking nazi dykes hahaha