nataleigh

*sigh* i sit here at my computer trying to figure out why i have such a self-destructive nature. why i let ppl i love hurt me so much. i really don't understand it myself. but for some reason i need ppl to rip out my heart and stomp on it if i am to love them.

so i guess i shall explain. i got to adrian's house last night and everything was perfect. he pulled me onto his lap and we watch some trailer park boys with his family. then his friend nick came over. this is where he starts to ignore my existence. so me, who is drunk, gets really angry at the fact that he ONLY ignores me around this friend. so i sit far away from him and ignore him. nick leaves and adrian knows i am upset. he apologizes. but me in my drunken ire just make him feel like shit for what he did. this side of me comes out so rarely cuz i have hurt too many guys with it before. so he tried to cuddle with me and i did not respond. wow i'm a bitch.

so the next morning i wake up first and go up to his room to tell him to come to the basement so we can do our morning cuddle session. well he comes downstairs and he cuddles with me, but it's as if he really doesn't want to. there were no happy noises, which he makes every morning we cuddle and sleep together. there was a distance. so i got up and started to pack my shit up. he lets me. i start to leave and he lets me. i am crying. he freaks out and grabs my smokes and THROWS them into his backyard. he apologizes. next thing i know the beginning of the "break-up dance" starts.

and then he does it. he actually breaks uo with me. by this time i have been crying for over an hour. i tell him as i have the other times before, that he loves me. that we make each other happy. this he can not deny. he still holds strong that he wants to breakup but he won't let me leave. finally i get up and start to walk. when i stop to find my lighter he catches up with me. i continue to cry. how does he have the ability to hurt me so much? and more importantly, why do i let him? when he talks about breaking up i just feel so sick. i have never fought for a relationship as much as i have with him.

so i fall to the ground and he follows. and i tell him that if he could just give me some logical explanation for all of this, then i would leave and i would mend myself. but of course he can't do that. all he can say is that this is what is best. but we both know it's not. we went through this a month and a half ago when he broke up with me and then after 3 days realized how stupid he was. and FUCK. has it only been a month and a half? FUCK! why am i so stupid? for the first time i don't feel good about being back with him. and i wonder, how many times does he have to hurt me until i finally break? until we hate each other so much it's unbelievable? until i am back to that jagged person i once was? questions without any answers. i am a masochist. i need him to hurt me. both sexually and emotionally. but the sexual i can handle. it is the emotional that is tearing me apart.

so he holds me and tells me that i am right. we can't do this. we must be together. and i take him back with open arms. cuz i am a fool in love like that. and i just hate myself right now. but i know that he has the potential to not hurt me and i guess i am holding out for that knowing that it might never happen and i will be left so jaded because of it. but i try to be the eternal optimist. he loves me and i love him and we are happy together. you have to take the highs with the lows and if someone can make you feel that good, they can also make you feel that bad. but i am so confused because i no longer know if my logic is correct or if i am coming up with justification for something that makes no sense. my mind is telling me to leave and my heart is telling me to stay, but it's in so much pain right now.

i wonder if adrian is that right guy for me. he sure as hell feels like it. but right now i can't help but wonder if there is someone out there who could satisfy me as much as he does and treat me like gold 24/7. but i don't know if i would be happy if i didn't have just that little bit of pain.

that is why i am ms. self-destructive.