nataleigh

i hate being all emo
well this weekend was nice. adrian and i had a movie night on friday. we watched underworld, memento, and the machinist. all very enjoyable. the machinist definitly freaked me out and memento left me with that "oh fuck" feeling at the end of it. so we drank beer and just chilled out in his cold basement. saturday night we went to lucy's bday shindig which was fun. it was nice to see the birthday girl again.

somehow today i feel so angry and emo. i don't know where it came from. i was fine when i was at adrian's house but as soon as i got on my go bus i just exploded. i feel liek such a failure. i dropped off my petetion to drop my class that i failed so that i can stay in school next year, but i wont' knwo for another 6-8 weeks. so by that point in time i will be lucky if i can get into any classes that i need. and if it doesn't pass then i am out of school for a year which is the worst thing possible. so that's reason number one of why i am crusty. then part of me starts to wonder what have i accomplished in the almost 20 years i have been alive? and obviously i know that i can not have accomplished that much but i wonder if i have even made a difference at all in other ppl's lives. i can say with certainty that i have but not in a good way. i made a difference in chris's life by showign him love and then taking it away. i ahve done this with many other men as well. i guess that's a difference. but i realize that i am always the person who calls their friends to do stuff. i am the one who makes the plans. maybe it would be nice to have ppl call me to do something. i guess seeing em grab lucy at the party and go somewhere with her started the whole feelign slighted thing. liek we are all friends, but yet i am so easy to ignore. and seeing dan at bo didn't help either. if i have ever felt slighted by someone, he definitly takes the cake. although i am so happy with adrian, i look at dan and his gf and think, what was wrong with me? why did you start something and then stop? why have you acted liek i didn't exist for so many months? and more importantly, why do i care?

it's so stupid and childish. but i want to feel like i mean something to someone. it's one thing to say it, but what matters teh most is your actions. adrian is really the only person in my life that makes me feel like i am important. he was all crusty today and upset me and when i said that i should pack my stuff up and leave soon, he grabbed me and held me close and asked me if i could stay a little longer. he looked so sad. as much as i don't want him to feel liek shit, it really showed me how much he cared. and him getting upset when i kissed lucy was so amazing. he said he didn't think he woudl feel that way, but he did. he was jealous. he said he was the only person he wanted me to kiss. and likewise. it wasn't really even a kiss, it was her exhaling pot smoke into my mouth with a little kiss at the end. btu ya, that's not the point. anyways, ya....i just feel liek a failure. i failed at school, i failed at quitting smoking, (which i am now so much more determined to do) and i feel so worthless. but ya...this is me being emo.

so i am going to take a bath and try to feel better.