narshada

If only being a dreamer was enough John, but these days, we need more than that.

Over the course of the weekend I have thought of bare bones premises for 3 short stories and a one page comic. None of them will likely ever see the light of day.

I know that based on previous experience. I'm still working on several projects, none of which are getting much work done on them on a monthly, never mind daily, basis.
I spend my days thinking of things like this and wishing I not only had the time, but also the work ethic to get them done. To become prolific in whatever area I see fit to grace (blight,) with my input. I spend my days wishing I was doing something else - writing, coding, reading, learning, drawing, painting, taking photos, making graphics, creating websites...
The important one in that list came in the middle: Learning. It's what I like to do most but sometimes it becomes a crutch, or a symptom rather than a cure. I learn more so I don't have to actually DO anything. You can't fail at something you've never done, or at least not properly.
So I dabble.
I dabble with everything that interests me: art, writing, digital media, web design, photography, 3D modelling and animation... never doing anything much more than dipping my toe in the water, despite convincing myself that it could be something I could be good at, something I could enjoy and always: something I could make a living doing.
I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, but I do know my own psychology well enough to discern the root of my fear of failure, of rejection. It cripples me and stops me becoming the man I think I could be - for myself, not for others and I'm not sure how much longer I can make my excuses and be the frightened little child who is a little too sensitive.
You'd think that being sensitive would be a good thing, that empathy could be a powerful tool but if I had a penny for every time I've been told to 'toughen up' or 'grow thicker skin'... The people behind the comments always meant well because they didn't like to see me get hurt and maybe they were right. Maybe the only way to survive is to become hardened, to close off the realm of emotions and rely solely on cold logic and reason but I reject that theory. Maybe it hurts more for those that allow themselves to feel it, but at least we live a full life. We experience the range of emotions - the ecstatic highs and the crushing lows and we're thankful for the times inbetween because any excess is painful in it's own way, because even if we seem to be having the greatest time while we are up, we know there is a canyon beneath us that we will fall down sooner or later. There is no up without down - we live in a comparative, dualistic world.
I've come to learn to take pride in the fact that I've climbed back out on my own many times and will do so again.

In other news:
Work -

Also, I've been trying to fight a virus on theknives laptop and it has successfully kicked my ass on no less than four occasions. It's a fucker this one. It not only hijacks the windows security centre, it not only hijacks your browser and redirects it to other pages if you try and download software, it also stops you from installing antivirus or antispyware software at all. I've thrown various things at this - AVG, (installed to 75% and crapped out,) Spybot, (couldn't install, even in safe mode,) Crap cleaner (which did install but only checks for temp files and registry errors,) Security task manager, (I managed to quarantine the main file and stop it from running and also it marks the registry keys that make it auto run on startup and deletes them - it started up on next boot anyway,) as well as superantispyware, (couldn't install it,) deletefxpfiles, (which allows you to delete files that windows won't let you delete - it wouldn't let me delete them even using that,) and smitfraudfix, which was the one everyone said would kill this thing - I had to run the batch file as it wouldn't install and it keeps crapping out during disk cleanup...
I even went online and found a list of files and processes, which I stopped and deleted manually, along with registry keys. It laughed in my face and continues to dominate this PC. I can't even see it in task manager as a running process, yet it's running anyway. It's very well constructed and very well hidden.
Pinks says you have to respect the talent it took to write this thing, but to be honest aside from the talent I fail completely to respect someone who creates something like this that has no positive application and is spread with nothing other than malicious intent. They don't even get to see the results of their work, it just wrecks people's computers anonymously.

If only John, if only.