narikia

The other day my boss told me I'm not good enough at reaching the targets and they're going to discontinue my employment. I was devastated. I have rent and now electricity, food and white-goods to pay for, with having moved out of home. Joe came home furious and told me if I lose another job that's the end of us. He thinks I've got to grow up and put more effort into work.
Everything he said has sat at the back of my mind as a growing dark fear that this is all going to end soon, I'm going to have to pack up all of my stuff and go back to my parents, alone and heartbroken; all because I'm a shit sales person.
If I wanted someone to stand there and be disappointed in me, tell me to grow up, and reiterate the reasons why I need a job, I would ask my Dad to step in. But it was Joe who decided to embarrass me further by now threatening to breakup - even though "it's not what he wants". Why mention it if it's not a want?

So I've been dwelling in the thoughts, trying to basically talk myself into striking first. Because I've usually been the decider or the initiator of the end, and I'd rather have the upper hand to try and minimize pain and suffering.
I've certainly given up on men, I mean I had before I met him and he made me hope for better days. But his limitations are getting to me, he's unable to comfort me when I'm upset, or support me when I'm down. He doesn't understand emotions or 'quality time'. He mentions money and figures when it's not necessary (which is something that stresses me out obviously). I need the comfort and romance that surely only women understand and expect from a relationship, and I'm hoping I can find it in a sexy girl whose willing to take me away from this crazyness.

For now, I must see a physiotherapist and get my back sorted out for the first time in my years of suffering.