Years ago , about 9 years to be more precise - my familly was going throught a tough time.
My parents were going throught a divorce ...and not the one that ends on good term. My dad had cheated on my Mom and was releashing his aggressivity and anger on us. Just to make it all worst - i had just started Highschool wich added an addition source of stress , sadness and anger.
In the beginning , when the first thought of ending it "all" came by - i knew it wasnt a possible option. I didnt want to put everyone in my familly in this situation, Loosing the youngest over something like this would simply make everything worst.
I Wanted to prove that i was strong in a way. that i was able to go throught it all without giving up - that ONE DAY everything would fix itself and that being "good" would make me succeed - you know , just like in the movies
"Good guys always win"
Just like my parents always told me.
years passed but it only got worst. I was constantly getting bullied in school , the situation of the divorce was getting worst with my dad constantly putting the blame on my mother everytime i would visit his place.
but again - i stayed silent to it all. i took it like "a man" because thats what we are supposed to do right?
school got even worst ,the bullies accused me of having a weapon in my locker (because schoolshooting was heavily talked about back then. it was the perfect occasion for them to ruin my life) and without any proof - i was kicked out of school and the case took about 2-3 years to close. For the autorities to understand that it wasnt true. What did the bullies get in return?
Nothing. not even a single word. The bad guys won.
Everything i had fought for was a lie. Being nice doesnt change a thing. Life wasnt some kind of game where you have a score to achieve to "win" some kind of magical price that fixes everything.
Life is random , its a never ending succession of random events that creates what we go throught. You cant really control it.
what did i get? a huge amount of stress that made me loose 40lbs in 2 months , an eating disorder and a very VERY huge hit on my self esteem.
So here am i , now 21 years old. Never had the chance to experience mutual love , close to non existant self esteem , full of complex asking myself : is it really such a bad option? its my body , my life - it should be my choice.
Do i see any value in living anymore? to be honest - no. The reasons why i am still alive to this day is for the ones i love. My familly and my friends - I dont want to hur them since i know how hard it is to accept that someone as taken their lives
...But if i were to loose them , i dont think i would last long.