nanookyeux

i think it would be accurate to say that men have terrorised my life. from the day i lost my virginity on, nothing but tortures coming in small packages of pleasures. and me, tolerant, patient, eduring, continued to play what games the men provided. it was entertaining, distracting, even addictive for awhile. now.......now men seem as folly pawns in my chess game. queen to place, knight to the rescue. ha. i'd prefer a spade. ever moving neither vertically or horizontally as all the rest, but forever crossing boundaries, side stepping through the mess. my spade. and there are always dual pairs of spades. one on either side. the sister and the lover. coming together to sit side by side, to seperate and create distruction of the enemies around it, and finally the victory as the queen stands. able to move freely whichever way she pleases. but ramining stationary. with both spades.

yes. men have terrorised my life. never bringing any lasting good. perhaps this is why i search for female companions constantly. women understand me more. i love having a girlfriend to hold me when i cry, to laugh with me at passer bys to cook with me and enjoy the silly messes i make on their faces, smearing guacamole or some such thing on their nose, and in turn receiving enchilada sauce on my cheek. lol. but never allowing the subtle licking that would remove such sauces. never allowing the actions to fullfill ideas. i have been with one woman before. and a man was involved. and the man terrorised me for a bj and being intent on study this beautiful female form before me, finally tired of my refusals and left. leaving this beautiful creature to hold me as i slept, supple breasts pressing against my back. ahhh. the day.

still. i'm still not decided if i would ever persue a female relationship. i would like to someday. but it frightens me. women i have known have always been way too catty for me, way to dramatic. these things are fine in moderations. just, i hate it when they're over done. i can't say i really desire a man any longer. men seem to just ravage and pilage. and they are never there to me during intercourse. i am always in my own head. always analyzing what it is i am feeling. and it's always to difficult to find a man i thoroughly enjoy just out of sensual pleasure. most times i have to create that sensuality in my brain. none the less. i prefer females around to talk to and love than a male. i do not trust men. i do not feel safe alone with a man. there are too many components that could make the situation go horriably wrong. it's not that i've ever experienced some horriably traumatic night with a man, well once, but it wasn't anything as invasive as rape. i don't know. i'll have to elaborate on this one later. once i sort through my thoughts.

day off today, and tomorrow, and the next day. very excited. today: field trip to barnes and noble / starbbucks to inquire about employment, and search through the walls of books because i know that it's out there calling to me. i don't know what i'm looking for yet. but 12 bucks (most likely the price) says i walk out of there with book in hand.

have a good day everyone.

all my love
NaNa
xoxo