n3rd

I just bought my first even pack of cigarettes. I only smoke occasionally, pretty much only when I drink but I've been drinking more than usual this week. And I've never bought before because then I'm officially a smoker instead of just someone who smokes from time to time. I guess things change. My brother is out of town and he's been pretty much the main person I hang out with for the past few years so its kinda weird being all alone. Everything else is out of synch too and its really fucking me up. I finally met someone I really care about but she's not ready for a relationship yet and she's out of town visiting another guy right now and I'm not currently really equipped to deal with that. So I'm resorting to the old stand bys and hoping I can keep the psychosis at bay with substance abuse until such time as things even out a bit and I can actually address my problems and deal with them. I know its a bad idea but right now its my only way out. Besides I value my mind more than my body so a little bit of damage to my lungs and lliver are worth the chance of making it through this with my psyche intact. Everything is about to change. My parents are moving down here in a few weeks and I'm quitting my job soon after because my job doesn't afford me the time I need to work on real estate and if we don't start making some serious money soon we're all fucked. The theme for this week is teetering on the edge. Wish me luck.