Most days I want to scream and scream and scream and just not stop. I want to grab the people around me and shake them and scream,
"What what what have you endured?? What pain have you felt? LOOK AT HER SMILE, I want them to see it, look at her smile:
Did you have to look at her with her lips split open? Did you watch blood run out of her mouth and eye and ear and from between her legs? Did you see her beautiful teeth knocked back into her mouth? Did you lie on the hospital bed next to hers and watch them cut off her clothes, and watch her struggle to get up, and watch your mom squeeze her hand and her say "I love you Mommy."? Did you sit in the waiting room with blood and plasma running down your legs and hear your dad screaming and crying NO NO NO" Did you keep praying and saying "God please, please, if you are there, if there is anything in life that makes you real please please please don't let this be real." Even though you knew it was. WHAT HAVE YOU ENDURED is what I want to scream. I want people to know that every single day it hurts and that it won't stop and that I cried so much that my eye got infected and that all around it there are painful pockets of puss. I want someone to know that I hate waking up because every night that I go to sleep she's alive again and with me and we're laughing and she's saying "Don't you ever start laughing and you just can't stop" and I'm saying to her please just stay with me, please don't go, please let me be with you. I want someone to understand that I'm not strong, that I can't look at her pictures or her clothes, that I don't want to talk about her, that I don't want to sleep in our room that we painted together, that I don't want to talk to her friends and have to be strong and sensible. I want to stop everything and cry and scream and never ever stop. I want to sleep forever.
