myopically

yep, it's the weekend, i'm alive, and it's cloudy. that seems to be the norm here in late may...june... cloudy in the morning.

yesterday was a pretty tough day. let me tell you a little about it. first, i'm concerned bout certain individuals in my life. heatlh reasons, not something to be taken lightly. second my friend paul. paul and i met in rehab way back when. we quickly developed a close friendship. he was my first sober friend. it was amazing to meet someone under those circumstances, being sober and yourself. i talked him into comming to a half way house with me down in baltimore, he came. our friendship developed more. we became closer than any other person in my life to that point. i truly loved him. well, we ended up relapsing together. lot's of drugs. one of the things we were doing was snorting heroin. he didn't go in to treatment the same time i did, he waited three more weeks. in that course of time, he ended up injecting the heroin. terrible. his chances of succesful recovery have been greatly diminished, at least by 50-75%. the herion junkie seems to have the most difficult time to recover. in the house i was in, every guy that came in there that injected went back out to use within three weeks of their arrival. what the fuck man, why the good people? he doesn't deserve that crap.

i had just gotten this information, and decided to go get some coffee at the local 7-11. well, i'm there mixing cream into my magna coffee, and i spy a can of whipped cream sitting out on the counter. a rush of insanity hit me. my thinking became crazy. i started scanning aroud the store for people to see if they were looking in my direction, grapped the can and was ready to put the nozzle to my lips. i was ready to suck away the pain. i had a sudden realization of the consequences... i put it down, paid for my coffee, and speed walked back to my group. there i found some trusted members and told them of my situation. they understood and we talked about it. it got better. i was lucky. are you asking yourself what was i going to do, eat whipped cream??? no, the gas inside is what i was after. nitrious oxide, aka laughing gas, whippets. a clever little way to artificially induce astral projection. in my relapse, n2o was the first drug i did, and it led me right back to the rock. evil shit. i called my sponsor too, we had coffee later that night... he's a nice guy, i think i found a winner.

despite everything, i think i'm going to be okay. i know what i want from life, or at least i'm open for learning and suggestions. i want to indulge in my hobbies, find a job i enjoy, met a good woman, and perhaps start a family. an old college friend contacted me lat night on myspace, he has those things... it is possible, even for my old group of fucked up friends, i just had a set back, i'm a late blommer, i'll get there though, i know it...