Bear with me. I'm not the best at expressing emotions in words. I find that other peoples words (songs, stories, poems) can express what I mean so much better than I can put it, but here's my attempt.
October 18th is a weird mix of emotions for me. In 2002, not only was it my 2 year anniversarry with the guy I was going to marry, but it is also the day that he broke off our engagement. If I remember properly it was a Friday. He never remembered these things. After he said what he felt he needed to say, he left and didn't come home until 8 the next night. Of course I was crushed. Things had been going wrong for quite a while, but we had always seemed to work things out. I knew this wouldn't change.
At first I was totally crushed (crazy would probably be the better term). I mean, we were planning a wedding. I lingered in depressed (and constant tears) for quite a bit. Then I had an old friend I hadn't seen in a while set my head on straight. We got together to watch movies almost every Sunday between November and February.
After dpressed I went to scared shitless. Where the hell was I gonna go? And with TWO kids? I couldn't afford to say where I was by myself, so I meade one of my biggest decisions ever. I was gonna move to Hawaii to be with my dad and his parents. I suppose I could have gone crawling back to Mom and stayed in MA, but the only person in my little family she ever cared about was my daughter, and I couldn't do that to myself or my son.
I also have a great friend, probably the best friend I could have asked for at the time, who listened to all my issues, made me laugh thru the tears, and was just there when I needed to talk about nothing. (or sports)
So here I am after 2 years, and I can look upon this day as a great day for me. I'm glad that things ended up happening the way they did, he did me a big favor. Sometimes I still feel a little upset, but it isn't because of the ex. It was because I was too afraid to get out sooner. I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle things by myself after having someone to lean on for 2 years. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to support the kids, AND still be able to be there for them.
I feel stupid that I interpreted my fear of being alone without him as love.
I feel angry that I put up with the cheating, the wasting of what little money we had, the constant lying about the stupidest little things.
I feel relieved that even though my daughter is back in MA with her dad and not here with me, she is happy and healthy. Since I left, her father and I get along better than we have in years. And that my son and I are closer than we would have been if his father was still in the picture.
(And he's not. He took himself out of his son's life. He hasn't called the child since Sept. 13th and he doesn't help out with any support. His loss, not mine or my son's.)
In the past 2 years I have learned more about myself that I thought. I'm stronger than I seem (Like I told a friend once, strong people know when to stop and cry. Then they pick themselves back up and fix it.) I have a couple really good friends that even though I may not talk to them too often, they will always be there when I call, and they know I'd do the same for them. For all my horrible luck with guys, I can even trust a few of them.
And I know I can feel love again (and that hasn't happened in a LONG tome). And that, above all else, has made this little (figurative and literal) journey worth it.
(Edit: Today was the best day in a while and it has to do with that last statement... but more on that another day
)
October 18th is a weird mix of emotions for me. In 2002, not only was it my 2 year anniversarry with the guy I was going to marry, but it is also the day that he broke off our engagement. If I remember properly it was a Friday. He never remembered these things. After he said what he felt he needed to say, he left and didn't come home until 8 the next night. Of course I was crushed. Things had been going wrong for quite a while, but we had always seemed to work things out. I knew this wouldn't change.
At first I was totally crushed (crazy would probably be the better term). I mean, we were planning a wedding. I lingered in depressed (and constant tears) for quite a bit. Then I had an old friend I hadn't seen in a while set my head on straight. We got together to watch movies almost every Sunday between November and February.
After dpressed I went to scared shitless. Where the hell was I gonna go? And with TWO kids? I couldn't afford to say where I was by myself, so I meade one of my biggest decisions ever. I was gonna move to Hawaii to be with my dad and his parents. I suppose I could have gone crawling back to Mom and stayed in MA, but the only person in my little family she ever cared about was my daughter, and I couldn't do that to myself or my son.
I also have a great friend, probably the best friend I could have asked for at the time, who listened to all my issues, made me laugh thru the tears, and was just there when I needed to talk about nothing. (or sports)
So here I am after 2 years, and I can look upon this day as a great day for me. I'm glad that things ended up happening the way they did, he did me a big favor. Sometimes I still feel a little upset, but it isn't because of the ex. It was because I was too afraid to get out sooner. I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle things by myself after having someone to lean on for 2 years. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to support the kids, AND still be able to be there for them.
I feel stupid that I interpreted my fear of being alone without him as love.
I feel angry that I put up with the cheating, the wasting of what little money we had, the constant lying about the stupidest little things.
I feel relieved that even though my daughter is back in MA with her dad and not here with me, she is happy and healthy. Since I left, her father and I get along better than we have in years. And that my son and I are closer than we would have been if his father was still in the picture.
(And he's not. He took himself out of his son's life. He hasn't called the child since Sept. 13th and he doesn't help out with any support. His loss, not mine or my son's.)
In the past 2 years I have learned more about myself that I thought. I'm stronger than I seem (Like I told a friend once, strong people know when to stop and cry. Then they pick themselves back up and fix it.) I have a couple really good friends that even though I may not talk to them too often, they will always be there when I call, and they know I'd do the same for them. For all my horrible luck with guys, I can even trust a few of them.
And I know I can feel love again (and that hasn't happened in a LONG tome). And that, above all else, has made this little (figurative and literal) journey worth it.
(Edit: Today was the best day in a while and it has to do with that last statement... but more on that another day
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-ape