So I just thought of this, and figured I should write it down before next week comes, and I don't know what the fuck I'll even be thinking about by then.
M hasn't been hanging out with any of the guys that she's slept with before. One guy in particular might still be a friend of hers if it weren't for this. When she told me that she wasn't hanging with him anymore, she said that it was because of me.
Well, I thought that was sweet, I guess when I first heard it. Now I hear that she thinks that I told her that I didn't want her hanging with any of them. Which I suppose is possible, but I can't remember saying that at all.
*I* don't want to know any of her other guys right now because I think it would be weird. I don't know, maybe it really wouldn't. But I don't feel like finding out. And I remember saying THAT to her.
I also remember saying that since he was still a friend of hers, as weird as I might think that would be, I would just have to trust her judgment. And I still feel that way. She might be surprised by this, but I actually do trust her judgment.
It's only when her judgment seems to be "impaired" by K that I might be concerned. But hey, she has to confront K, and avoiding it might not be the best thing. Well, maybe when she's in her current emotional "mode", but long term? Nah.
And also, this guy at her job I can't say that I trust HIM, because I don't know him, and the little that I do know goes like this:
-He showed interest in her
-He took her out and will be taking her to the movies on Sunday (which really seems an awful lot like a date to me)
-He broke up with a gf not long ago and doesn't have many friends around
So yeah, that is certainly weird, and I can't say that this guy feels "safe" to me. But if M is committed to me, why the fuck would I have a problem? It's not about HIM being safe so much as it is about HER being trustworthy, which even through her red alert a week and a half ago, I think she is. And if it turns out that she wants someone else, my interfering won't help. It'll only speed it along. Maybe I actually should meet this one guy; I don't know.
I guess she still thinks that maybe I don't trust her a bit. Actually, she's probably not worrying about this at ALL, and I'm probably just overthinking things again. But either way, I have an analogy that I might share with her if/when it comes up again.
I trust her not to try to kill herself. But if, one day, she were to pull out a gun and point it at her head like she was really having a conflict I'd start freaking out. It's only natural right there, and would be a justifiable freak out based on a sudden confusion and the need to protect.
And the fact that she WOULD do a thing like avoiding T because of my feelings that says a lot. It really does. But I need to let her know; *I* don't necessarily want to hang with some guy that's fucked her before. But if she does, and it's not awkward for any of THEM, then who am I to try to tell her not to? An asshole; that's what I'd be.
I really don't think I said this. There was one guy that I thought she'd be better off avoiding, and when I told her this, it felt like I was certainly breaking ground in my level of involvement there.
Anyway, I just felt the need to write this up before I start trying to make calls for FJ again. It would seem that my skin irritation is actually easing up, so hopefully I can start hauling ass next week again.
Hmmm ... I see M still hasn't updated HER journal. It's been a little while now. I said something stupid to her, so that might be part of the reason why; I dunno. THe only change I notice is that her friends are no longer showing. I wonder why she'd delete them, if that's what happened.
Oh well, if I'm curious, the way to ask her, as I've learned, is straight up.
It's weird, actually, how well we might know that yet still be afraid of coming off wrong by actually BEING straight up. A few weeks ago, I asked her if she was with a certain guy that she had worked with before. She answered "Well ... we were friends ... and we both wanted the same thing...". ANd see, I know that she didn't want to hurt me or have me freak on her, and so that's all cool. But it was weird in the sense that by phrasing it like that, it almost sounded like SHE felt that it was something to hide.
From people like the guy at her job, though, maybe it is. Telling him things like that will only sexually frustrate him. She did that kinda thing to me a couple times, but luckily I was able to do something with that energy.
She also has a picture on her phone that she drew on her ex's (if this is quite an accurate term ... but it'll work) back. Well, she called him a "certain somebody", which of course wasn't wrong in any way, but the phrasing made me ask who it was. She didn't have a problem answering that, and of course it was all cool, but I do see that there is still the slight fear of being completely direct about some things. Hell, I do it too with my "How do I ask her about ...?" shit.
And I'm not even saying that's necessarily bad. I'd ideally LIKE it to be different, but I think that's something that we're working toward. Maybe right NOW, the slight hint of protection is necessary because of M's emotional phase and my lingering sense of insecurity (GET OVER IT, MXV!!!), but I don't think it'll be like that for much longer.
Anyway, it was just an observation. Even through M's warnings (unintentional as they may be) of possible eventual boredom, I still see us getting stronger. Perhaps the boredom will never come. In all honesty, a couple issues aside (that may not even be issues, really), I think we're both pretty lucky to have each other right now.
Okay, enough rambling about current states and shit. It's becoming an old theme of this blog (although, it WAS what I originally intended it to be, so...)
...
If all goes even remotely according to plan, Thursday s gonna rock. Even though (and I'm glad to say this) our relationship has not diluted itself into being one that is based on sex, it will still be prety nice to have the time and privacy to really go for it. Plus, just BEING with her in our own little world, even for one day, will be nice in itself.
Peace out, yo!
-MXV
M hasn't been hanging out with any of the guys that she's slept with before. One guy in particular might still be a friend of hers if it weren't for this. When she told me that she wasn't hanging with him anymore, she said that it was because of me.
Well, I thought that was sweet, I guess when I first heard it. Now I hear that she thinks that I told her that I didn't want her hanging with any of them. Which I suppose is possible, but I can't remember saying that at all.
*I* don't want to know any of her other guys right now because I think it would be weird. I don't know, maybe it really wouldn't. But I don't feel like finding out. And I remember saying THAT to her.
I also remember saying that since he was still a friend of hers, as weird as I might think that would be, I would just have to trust her judgment. And I still feel that way. She might be surprised by this, but I actually do trust her judgment.
It's only when her judgment seems to be "impaired" by K that I might be concerned. But hey, she has to confront K, and avoiding it might not be the best thing. Well, maybe when she's in her current emotional "mode", but long term? Nah.
And also, this guy at her job I can't say that I trust HIM, because I don't know him, and the little that I do know goes like this:
-He showed interest in her
-He took her out and will be taking her to the movies on Sunday (which really seems an awful lot like a date to me)
-He broke up with a gf not long ago and doesn't have many friends around
So yeah, that is certainly weird, and I can't say that this guy feels "safe" to me. But if M is committed to me, why the fuck would I have a problem? It's not about HIM being safe so much as it is about HER being trustworthy, which even through her red alert a week and a half ago, I think she is. And if it turns out that she wants someone else, my interfering won't help. It'll only speed it along. Maybe I actually should meet this one guy; I don't know.
I guess she still thinks that maybe I don't trust her a bit. Actually, she's probably not worrying about this at ALL, and I'm probably just overthinking things again. But either way, I have an analogy that I might share with her if/when it comes up again.
I trust her not to try to kill herself. But if, one day, she were to pull out a gun and point it at her head like she was really having a conflict I'd start freaking out. It's only natural right there, and would be a justifiable freak out based on a sudden confusion and the need to protect.
And the fact that she WOULD do a thing like avoiding T because of my feelings that says a lot. It really does. But I need to let her know; *I* don't necessarily want to hang with some guy that's fucked her before. But if she does, and it's not awkward for any of THEM, then who am I to try to tell her not to? An asshole; that's what I'd be.
I really don't think I said this. There was one guy that I thought she'd be better off avoiding, and when I told her this, it felt like I was certainly breaking ground in my level of involvement there.
Anyway, I just felt the need to write this up before I start trying to make calls for FJ again. It would seem that my skin irritation is actually easing up, so hopefully I can start hauling ass next week again.
Hmmm ... I see M still hasn't updated HER journal. It's been a little while now. I said something stupid to her, so that might be part of the reason why; I dunno. THe only change I notice is that her friends are no longer showing. I wonder why she'd delete them, if that's what happened.
Oh well, if I'm curious, the way to ask her, as I've learned, is straight up.
It's weird, actually, how well we might know that yet still be afraid of coming off wrong by actually BEING straight up. A few weeks ago, I asked her if she was with a certain guy that she had worked with before. She answered "Well ... we were friends ... and we both wanted the same thing...". ANd see, I know that she didn't want to hurt me or have me freak on her, and so that's all cool. But it was weird in the sense that by phrasing it like that, it almost sounded like SHE felt that it was something to hide.
From people like the guy at her job, though, maybe it is. Telling him things like that will only sexually frustrate him. She did that kinda thing to me a couple times, but luckily I was able to do something with that energy.
She also has a picture on her phone that she drew on her ex's (if this is quite an accurate term ... but it'll work) back. Well, she called him a "certain somebody", which of course wasn't wrong in any way, but the phrasing made me ask who it was. She didn't have a problem answering that, and of course it was all cool, but I do see that there is still the slight fear of being completely direct about some things. Hell, I do it too with my "How do I ask her about ...?" shit.
And I'm not even saying that's necessarily bad. I'd ideally LIKE it to be different, but I think that's something that we're working toward. Maybe right NOW, the slight hint of protection is necessary because of M's emotional phase and my lingering sense of insecurity (GET OVER IT, MXV!!!), but I don't think it'll be like that for much longer.
Anyway, it was just an observation. Even through M's warnings (unintentional as they may be) of possible eventual boredom, I still see us getting stronger. Perhaps the boredom will never come. In all honesty, a couple issues aside (that may not even be issues, really), I think we're both pretty lucky to have each other right now.
Okay, enough rambling about current states and shit. It's becoming an old theme of this blog (although, it WAS what I originally intended it to be, so...)
...
If all goes even remotely according to plan, Thursday s gonna rock. Even though (and I'm glad to say this) our relationship has not diluted itself into being one that is based on sex, it will still be prety nice to have the time and privacy to really go for it. Plus, just BEING with her in our own little world, even for one day, will be nice in itself.
Peace out, yo!
-MXV