As much shit as M puts herself through, I inadvertently put her through just as much by my over psycho-analyzing. It's a big problem of mine, and while I think my conclusions are correct, bringing these up to her as often as I do only serves to stress her out even more.
The strange thing is, I only ever bring it up in the hopes that she will better understand how we can avoid unpleasant conversations in the future. By "unpleasant", I mean what she would call an argument, but I just call two people stressed because they don't know why M gets so agitated by the seemingly smallest things.
It hurts her to go through that, and I don't want to see her hurting. No shit. She says that she's pretty okay the rest of the time, but the fact that she feels that she can't talk to me about even a single given subject, and instead has to resort to some guy from her past who has hurt her repeatedly, indicates that she is still not at the "okay" level as much as she claims to be. She didn't want me to know about her reconnecting with that other guy, because of how I might react to it.
But sure enough, she knows that it's unhealthy for her to be talking to him right now. She seems to think that I want her to just abandon him completely, which of course I don't think she should do. But for a WHILE, it's what she NEEDS to become strong on her own. He's too much of a crutch for her, and she seems to know that. Even I don't want to be a crutch ... but I'd certainly rather it be me than him if she needs one. I want to be the guy that she can talk to about ANYTHING. The fact that we have strong feelings for each other might make that a little more complicated, but still. I just want her to be happy with me. She's so cute, so great, such a deep person compared to almost anyone else that I know. And yet she still seeks so much external validation. She doesn't recognize this fully, but that doesn't make it any less true.
But if, in trying to help her, I am only assisting her inner defense (fucking "person" that I can't stand one bit) mechanism to continue its influence over her mind, then I'm not doing either of us any good.
I finally realized why she felt that I was also capable of abandoning her. It's not just because practically EVERYONE else has, but because she thought I had done so as well.
A couple months ago, before we became "official", I had a REALLY nasty move going on, and to be honest I was absolutely going out of my fucking mind. I didn't want to bring her into it; I wasn't a very fun person at the time. And as far as I knew, she was giving me quite a bit of space as well so that I could get that bullshit behind me.
What I didn't know was that she was missing me terribly, and had left me several phone messages which, due to electrical problems at the house we were trying to move out of, I never got. She thought I had just turned my back on her. That's why she wanted to have "fun" with some other cum chugging idiot. Ouch. Official or not at the time, that sucks, especially since it meant so much to her that *I* love her if we were going to be together.
I hope I never make her feel that way again. I hope I can prove to her that I will be the guy that she needs - that she can count on.
And I hope that this inherent DRAMA stops NOW. I know it can't just disappear all of a sudden, but it's certainly interfering. We used to just get away and have fun. There were no strings; if it didn't work, so be it. But now there ARE strings, and while I'm certainly glad that they're there, and while I am so happy that M is in my life, I hope and pray that those strings don't end up becoming our undoing.
That, of course, won't be fun at all. She's too sensitive and so am I. I'd survive. She would too, though it might be more difficult ... especially if she felt that her fears were right all along, and that she really CAN'T be in a good relationship.
One thing has changed, though. After talking to her on the phone (for entirely too long), we've had a somewhat miserable conversation which ended up in me feeling a lot better about us. And hopefully her as well. It's amazing how much my mood can swing based on how M is feeling at the time. And it's a little more amazing that it seems like no matter what she circumstance, give us enough time and we'll make it right again. It's the PATH that is slowly tearing at this beautiful thing we have going on. The downward swing in the conversations that just makes us feel sick to our stomachs. We can't let it happen like that. We'll mess it all up for certain if we can't stop it.
I just want to hold her right now. I'll get to tomorrow. Here's hoping nothing swings low.
As if anyone gives a fuck to read this ... thank you anyway, just for giving me the space to rant. God, look what's happened to me. Blabbing on about someone I actually care about, instead of slyly pretending not to care at all. Bla, I'm such a pussy now I'm so ashamed of myself
-MXV
The strange thing is, I only ever bring it up in the hopes that she will better understand how we can avoid unpleasant conversations in the future. By "unpleasant", I mean what she would call an argument, but I just call two people stressed because they don't know why M gets so agitated by the seemingly smallest things.
It hurts her to go through that, and I don't want to see her hurting. No shit. She says that she's pretty okay the rest of the time, but the fact that she feels that she can't talk to me about even a single given subject, and instead has to resort to some guy from her past who has hurt her repeatedly, indicates that she is still not at the "okay" level as much as she claims to be. She didn't want me to know about her reconnecting with that other guy, because of how I might react to it.
But sure enough, she knows that it's unhealthy for her to be talking to him right now. She seems to think that I want her to just abandon him completely, which of course I don't think she should do. But for a WHILE, it's what she NEEDS to become strong on her own. He's too much of a crutch for her, and she seems to know that. Even I don't want to be a crutch ... but I'd certainly rather it be me than him if she needs one. I want to be the guy that she can talk to about ANYTHING. The fact that we have strong feelings for each other might make that a little more complicated, but still. I just want her to be happy with me. She's so cute, so great, such a deep person compared to almost anyone else that I know. And yet she still seeks so much external validation. She doesn't recognize this fully, but that doesn't make it any less true.
But if, in trying to help her, I am only assisting her inner defense (fucking "person" that I can't stand one bit) mechanism to continue its influence over her mind, then I'm not doing either of us any good.
I finally realized why she felt that I was also capable of abandoning her. It's not just because practically EVERYONE else has, but because she thought I had done so as well.
A couple months ago, before we became "official", I had a REALLY nasty move going on, and to be honest I was absolutely going out of my fucking mind. I didn't want to bring her into it; I wasn't a very fun person at the time. And as far as I knew, she was giving me quite a bit of space as well so that I could get that bullshit behind me.
What I didn't know was that she was missing me terribly, and had left me several phone messages which, due to electrical problems at the house we were trying to move out of, I never got. She thought I had just turned my back on her. That's why she wanted to have "fun" with some other cum chugging idiot. Ouch. Official or not at the time, that sucks, especially since it meant so much to her that *I* love her if we were going to be together.
I hope I never make her feel that way again. I hope I can prove to her that I will be the guy that she needs - that she can count on.
And I hope that this inherent DRAMA stops NOW. I know it can't just disappear all of a sudden, but it's certainly interfering. We used to just get away and have fun. There were no strings; if it didn't work, so be it. But now there ARE strings, and while I'm certainly glad that they're there, and while I am so happy that M is in my life, I hope and pray that those strings don't end up becoming our undoing.
That, of course, won't be fun at all. She's too sensitive and so am I. I'd survive. She would too, though it might be more difficult ... especially if she felt that her fears were right all along, and that she really CAN'T be in a good relationship.
One thing has changed, though. After talking to her on the phone (for entirely too long), we've had a somewhat miserable conversation which ended up in me feeling a lot better about us. And hopefully her as well. It's amazing how much my mood can swing based on how M is feeling at the time. And it's a little more amazing that it seems like no matter what she circumstance, give us enough time and we'll make it right again. It's the PATH that is slowly tearing at this beautiful thing we have going on. The downward swing in the conversations that just makes us feel sick to our stomachs. We can't let it happen like that. We'll mess it all up for certain if we can't stop it.
I just want to hold her right now. I'll get to tomorrow. Here's hoping nothing swings low.
As if anyone gives a fuck to read this ... thank you anyway, just for giving me the space to rant. God, look what's happened to me. Blabbing on about someone I actually care about, instead of slyly pretending not to care at all. Bla, I'm such a pussy now I'm so ashamed of myself
-MXV