It's been a while indeed. I've had a lot of shit going on that nobody would really care about (What? People caring about each other? In the 21st century???), but anyway, I eventually find myself back here just about a year after ther last time I've made a post. I just have some things weighing on my mind, and absolutely nobody to convey them too.
I actually have a girlfriend now (Imagie that, badass sexy MXV actually wanting a relationship...), and so that should be the first person to talk to, right?
Well, about most things, sure. But in this case, she is the one weighing on me. She is so magnificent most of the time, and is probably the single coolest girl I've ever met in my life.
But the thing is, she never ceases to sabotage herself in the most manipulative of ways. On many levels, she has an inner personality built as a defensive measure, that will do anything it can to destroy her.
When she's with me, she wants me to love her. She doesn't want to be physically close to me unless I love her. Which I do.
But on the other hand, if I'm not around, she'll have sex with the closest even somewhat decent guy around, with no thought of anyone LOVING her. She's just trying to fill a void. But that's just the thing. Right before we became "official", she fucked this one asshole who I really wish would disappear from the face of the earth, a couple times (you can probably tell that I don't have kind things to say abotu this guy, even though he's probably decent. I just don't like him because M is mine now, and means a lot to me). She saw him not hours before she saw me. I just found this out now (and this explains why she refused to accept that she could possibly be one of the best things that has ever happened to me - she was just with some worthless clown). So she sees him, does God knows what, for no reason at all, and then she sees me and is unsure about being with ME, the one she says she loves so much, because she's not sure how much I love HER.
Which I would think was just an excuse. As if, she really wants her "excitement" elsewhere. But it's not really like that. At least I think not. She just has such a low image of herself that sex only matters if you're with someone you love. Otherwise, it's just candy to be passed around. I didn't know that she was with "him" just THEN, but I knew that she was "available" as we weren't really official yet.
So, odds be damned, I decided that we had to be exclusive. One of the reasons was because I just couldn't handle the idea anymore of her doing some other guy. It had to be her+me, or nothing at all.
She got all bent out of shape at the idea that this was all about sex. Well, the thing is, PART of it was about that; why the hell would it NOT be? Against what I might consider to be my better judgement (I "knew" that she and I were too different for anything really serious to develop), I began to fall for her.
That wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. Dammit.
Now, we're happy together most of the time, but she keeps bringing up all these mother fucking other guys that she's been with before. She keeps up communication with some guy in another state who hurt her brutally, time and again, and she is simply not strong enough to break it off with him. She admitted that she really needed to, but just recently, she decided to just regain talks, out of nowhere, with some OTHER guy she hadn't talked to in 5 years. She describes him as "the guy who took my virginity". Just a short talk, for no reason even. Then she messages the guy who she shouldn't be talking to and tells him about the guy she just talked to again after 5 years.
What the fucking COCK is up with that? Damn it, M, can't you have just a little respect for yourself? Can't you see even a glimpse of the beautiful person that I see in you?
I don't think she can.
Her subconscious keeps telling her that she's ugly, and that I'm going to hurt her the same as everyone else has. It insists to her that every time I ask her any sort of even slightly pointed question, that I'm about to assault her verbally and emotionally. So she feels like she's curled up into a ball shivering while some monster is attacking her ... and all I want to know is why she was talking to me like she was mad. I just want to know why. And she shuts down and can't handle the conversation.
Maybe when she was a kid, she needed a defense mechanism of this sort. She had no strength; no identity. But now, this same mechanism is slowly destroying her. It is sabotaging her relationship with the only guy who really does love her for who she is. But that's just the thing. Love her as I might, there's only so much I can take of her subconscious (she isn't the type to do this on purpose, trust me; when she's thinking DELIBERATELY, she's confused, but beautful and just amazing) hating her. When it comes down to it, she will either have to rise up and defeat it, or else it will succeed in ripping us apart.
Which will only reaffirm her sense that she needs the mechanism. Sad indeed, and the thought makes me a litle sick to my stomach.
If I were to leave even for a while, she'd slut around so fast ... and all with guys who mean nothing to her at all. But if it's ME ... she gets all hurt about the idea that we had sex when I might not have truly loved her. But if I were gone ... she'd destroy any chance of us working.
She's already doing it. The most beautiful, fun, amazing girl I've ever known is slowly destroying herself.
How is this one different from the last girl? Well, at least THIS one CARES. She WANTS to be free. But in the end, she doesn't know how, and it seems to me as if it's just a matter of time before one side outweights the other to the point where there can be no reconciliation between them. Either she will see what she's doing to herself, or else her subconscious person will just play me right along, while her conscious ignorantly goes along with it, feeling nothing but pain along the way.
Please, God. Help her. I can't stand to watch her do this to herself, and the thought of *ME* hurting her, deliberately or not, is almost too much. She thinks I could destroy her by leaving. But that's not true at all. She will destroy HERSELF if she refuses to allow herself to be happy for once in her life.
If anyone actually read this ... it means something, whether you realize it or not. But the thing is ... nobody IS reading this, and I suppose that's okay too. At least I got to vent.
-MXV
I actually have a girlfriend now (Imagie that, badass sexy MXV actually wanting a relationship...), and so that should be the first person to talk to, right?
Well, about most things, sure. But in this case, she is the one weighing on me. She is so magnificent most of the time, and is probably the single coolest girl I've ever met in my life.
But the thing is, she never ceases to sabotage herself in the most manipulative of ways. On many levels, she has an inner personality built as a defensive measure, that will do anything it can to destroy her.
When she's with me, she wants me to love her. She doesn't want to be physically close to me unless I love her. Which I do.
But on the other hand, if I'm not around, she'll have sex with the closest even somewhat decent guy around, with no thought of anyone LOVING her. She's just trying to fill a void. But that's just the thing. Right before we became "official", she fucked this one asshole who I really wish would disappear from the face of the earth, a couple times (you can probably tell that I don't have kind things to say abotu this guy, even though he's probably decent. I just don't like him because M is mine now, and means a lot to me). She saw him not hours before she saw me. I just found this out now (and this explains why she refused to accept that she could possibly be one of the best things that has ever happened to me - she was just with some worthless clown). So she sees him, does God knows what, for no reason at all, and then she sees me and is unsure about being with ME, the one she says she loves so much, because she's not sure how much I love HER.
Which I would think was just an excuse. As if, she really wants her "excitement" elsewhere. But it's not really like that. At least I think not. She just has such a low image of herself that sex only matters if you're with someone you love. Otherwise, it's just candy to be passed around. I didn't know that she was with "him" just THEN, but I knew that she was "available" as we weren't really official yet.
So, odds be damned, I decided that we had to be exclusive. One of the reasons was because I just couldn't handle the idea anymore of her doing some other guy. It had to be her+me, or nothing at all.
She got all bent out of shape at the idea that this was all about sex. Well, the thing is, PART of it was about that; why the hell would it NOT be? Against what I might consider to be my better judgement (I "knew" that she and I were too different for anything really serious to develop), I began to fall for her.
That wasn't supposed to happen. But it did. Dammit.
Now, we're happy together most of the time, but she keeps bringing up all these mother fucking other guys that she's been with before. She keeps up communication with some guy in another state who hurt her brutally, time and again, and she is simply not strong enough to break it off with him. She admitted that she really needed to, but just recently, she decided to just regain talks, out of nowhere, with some OTHER guy she hadn't talked to in 5 years. She describes him as "the guy who took my virginity". Just a short talk, for no reason even. Then she messages the guy who she shouldn't be talking to and tells him about the guy she just talked to again after 5 years.
What the fucking COCK is up with that? Damn it, M, can't you have just a little respect for yourself? Can't you see even a glimpse of the beautiful person that I see in you?
I don't think she can.
Her subconscious keeps telling her that she's ugly, and that I'm going to hurt her the same as everyone else has. It insists to her that every time I ask her any sort of even slightly pointed question, that I'm about to assault her verbally and emotionally. So she feels like she's curled up into a ball shivering while some monster is attacking her ... and all I want to know is why she was talking to me like she was mad. I just want to know why. And she shuts down and can't handle the conversation.
Maybe when she was a kid, she needed a defense mechanism of this sort. She had no strength; no identity. But now, this same mechanism is slowly destroying her. It is sabotaging her relationship with the only guy who really does love her for who she is. But that's just the thing. Love her as I might, there's only so much I can take of her subconscious (she isn't the type to do this on purpose, trust me; when she's thinking DELIBERATELY, she's confused, but beautful and just amazing) hating her. When it comes down to it, she will either have to rise up and defeat it, or else it will succeed in ripping us apart.
Which will only reaffirm her sense that she needs the mechanism. Sad indeed, and the thought makes me a litle sick to my stomach.
If I were to leave even for a while, she'd slut around so fast ... and all with guys who mean nothing to her at all. But if it's ME ... she gets all hurt about the idea that we had sex when I might not have truly loved her. But if I were gone ... she'd destroy any chance of us working.
She's already doing it. The most beautiful, fun, amazing girl I've ever known is slowly destroying herself.
How is this one different from the last girl? Well, at least THIS one CARES. She WANTS to be free. But in the end, she doesn't know how, and it seems to me as if it's just a matter of time before one side outweights the other to the point where there can be no reconciliation between them. Either she will see what she's doing to herself, or else her subconscious person will just play me right along, while her conscious ignorantly goes along with it, feeling nothing but pain along the way.
Please, God. Help her. I can't stand to watch her do this to herself, and the thought of *ME* hurting her, deliberately or not, is almost too much. She thinks I could destroy her by leaving. But that's not true at all. She will destroy HERSELF if she refuses to allow herself to be happy for once in her life.
If anyone actually read this ... it means something, whether you realize it or not. But the thing is ... nobody IS reading this, and I suppose that's okay too. At least I got to vent.
-MXV