mxpxfish

i was a bridesmaid in a wedding over the weekend....it made me realize a few things....i saw a glimpse of the life, the love, the beauty, and the family i will never have. it was just a simple wedding but so beautiful cause everything was done with so much love. which is something i lack in my life... i dont feel it i dont see it. and it doesent exist within my family. how can i learn to love my future family if there is to be one if my current family is not filled with love...ive come to know that my friends are there for me more than the people i call my family. there is so much more respect and love towards and from my friends than i could ever hold for my parents or siblings. because the respect and love just does not exist and never did with us. i live in a life full of hate and sadness, and it feels so wrong to be happy. is that how i will always be. will i keep going day in and day out hating the ones that should love me most. and being unable for time being to get away from them. and when i do find someone to love. how will i not treat them like my family has treated me. and why would i ever want to treat someone i love like that. im better off never being around anybody ever cause my true nature is to treat people badly...like ive been raised...so if i take my ways, stop it with me, keep it from other people. maybe that would help a little hate end with me. sure the rest of my family will be breaders of hate...but i would never want to put someone i love through the hate i feel inside towards myself and anybody i could possibly care about....i guess im not meant to love...