Man a lot of people don't like me. And I've lost a lot of friends. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of.
I've decided I know what one of my problems is (ie something I need to change). I'm afraid to take chances anymore. Its rare I'll even play a video game without the strategy guide, I'm so afraid of wasting time. Of course the ironic thing is wasting time seems to be what I do anyway.
I also have trouble conversing about interests that I lack. Sports for instance. I really don't give a fuck about sports and I'll automatically tune out a conversation if someone starts talking about sports. Once upon a time I knew how all the games worked and a couple sports stars names but present day I know jack and shit.
I actually used to be so much better about this stuff. I used to have an excitement about life. Or at least that's what I'm guessing cause people used to want to talk to me.
People are always weird about talking to other people (myself included). For instance a lot of people think quiet people are being snobbish when most of the time they're just shy and don't know what to say. People like talking to people that make them feel good about themselves. Interesting how that might work.
You know I'm going to quit writing this shit. I really don't believe in much anymore. I have all these old things I used to observe and still do sometimes. I'll come to conclusions and I'll write these things. But everything is misleading in text. That's why writing is an art form. Things can't be broken down to single reasons. There are always a multitude of factors that go into everything that we don't see. I just don't know what's right anymore. And I don't know why I can't function in a bar anymore. Hell maybe I never could. It seems like there was a time in my life where I just got along great with everyone. I had standards and morals. I had rules for my life. I wasn't this hollowed out bitter being.
Course I say all that. I can think of plenty of times where I was being super nice to some people online and got bitched the fuck out for it. There's always at least one asshole with sometihng to prove in every chatroom. Maybe I need to start proving things to myself. That statement doesn't feel right though. Heh. That's how I make a lot of decisions. I got by feel and then by logic. Course it also depends on the situation. For instance school is reason over emotion any day. Dating however is emotion over reason most of the time. But in finding who to date I try and apply reason and logic in equal abundances.
So I've quit drinking. Yeah its that same old story, I got drunk last night and got way too sick from it today.
Anyway, its time for change. I'm not sure what. I don't feel like I know right and wrong anymore. While I could easily say they're unnecessary words I'm more thinking what's right for me and how I interact with people.
Now I'm just going to start typing.
The world's so weird at the present. All the comedians are excelling in racial humor and excusing it by telling racist jokes about all the races. I laugh but I wonder if its really right? Is making fun of people in general right? But at the same its really more complicated than a yes or no question. Its considered healthy to be able to laugh at yourself? Why? Probably because it denotes a sense of security and well being with one self. Why? Because if someone makes a verbal attack on you for the pleasure of others and you laugh it off like its nothing that sends forth the image of not caring. I wonder where the truth is?
Truth seems to have a few dimensions to it. There is the dimension of accurate communication. The act of not falsifying facts. But all information sources have holes in them which makes that sort of lie inevitable at points. There's also the truth of keeping your word. Doing something you say you're going to. I used to be really big on this one. It was sort of an honor thing. After all keeping your word no matter the circumstances is an admirable trait not many people have. And then there's the dimension of telling ourselves the truth as well as other people.
I hate to admit it. Its so cliche. Having cancer really took the life out of me. The same summer I got it I was dumped twice in a row. Once by a chick I didn't care for much. And the other time was from a girl that I liked a whole lot. I really don't know why I liked her. She was a very bad idea dating wise. Most of the things I don't like. Barfly, socialite, indecisive, didn't know what she wanted, etc. Something inside me died back then. I wish I knew what.
Anyway, school's busy so I'll try and read everyone's blogs and keep up as best I can but it might be a log in every other week thing for a while.
I've decided I know what one of my problems is (ie something I need to change). I'm afraid to take chances anymore. Its rare I'll even play a video game without the strategy guide, I'm so afraid of wasting time. Of course the ironic thing is wasting time seems to be what I do anyway.
I also have trouble conversing about interests that I lack. Sports for instance. I really don't give a fuck about sports and I'll automatically tune out a conversation if someone starts talking about sports. Once upon a time I knew how all the games worked and a couple sports stars names but present day I know jack and shit.
I actually used to be so much better about this stuff. I used to have an excitement about life. Or at least that's what I'm guessing cause people used to want to talk to me.
People are always weird about talking to other people (myself included). For instance a lot of people think quiet people are being snobbish when most of the time they're just shy and don't know what to say. People like talking to people that make them feel good about themselves. Interesting how that might work.
You know I'm going to quit writing this shit. I really don't believe in much anymore. I have all these old things I used to observe and still do sometimes. I'll come to conclusions and I'll write these things. But everything is misleading in text. That's why writing is an art form. Things can't be broken down to single reasons. There are always a multitude of factors that go into everything that we don't see. I just don't know what's right anymore. And I don't know why I can't function in a bar anymore. Hell maybe I never could. It seems like there was a time in my life where I just got along great with everyone. I had standards and morals. I had rules for my life. I wasn't this hollowed out bitter being.
Course I say all that. I can think of plenty of times where I was being super nice to some people online and got bitched the fuck out for it. There's always at least one asshole with sometihng to prove in every chatroom. Maybe I need to start proving things to myself. That statement doesn't feel right though. Heh. That's how I make a lot of decisions. I got by feel and then by logic. Course it also depends on the situation. For instance school is reason over emotion any day. Dating however is emotion over reason most of the time. But in finding who to date I try and apply reason and logic in equal abundances.
So I've quit drinking. Yeah its that same old story, I got drunk last night and got way too sick from it today.
Anyway, its time for change. I'm not sure what. I don't feel like I know right and wrong anymore. While I could easily say they're unnecessary words I'm more thinking what's right for me and how I interact with people.
Now I'm just going to start typing.
The world's so weird at the present. All the comedians are excelling in racial humor and excusing it by telling racist jokes about all the races. I laugh but I wonder if its really right? Is making fun of people in general right? But at the same its really more complicated than a yes or no question. Its considered healthy to be able to laugh at yourself? Why? Probably because it denotes a sense of security and well being with one self. Why? Because if someone makes a verbal attack on you for the pleasure of others and you laugh it off like its nothing that sends forth the image of not caring. I wonder where the truth is?
Truth seems to have a few dimensions to it. There is the dimension of accurate communication. The act of not falsifying facts. But all information sources have holes in them which makes that sort of lie inevitable at points. There's also the truth of keeping your word. Doing something you say you're going to. I used to be really big on this one. It was sort of an honor thing. After all keeping your word no matter the circumstances is an admirable trait not many people have. And then there's the dimension of telling ourselves the truth as well as other people.
I hate to admit it. Its so cliche. Having cancer really took the life out of me. The same summer I got it I was dumped twice in a row. Once by a chick I didn't care for much. And the other time was from a girl that I liked a whole lot. I really don't know why I liked her. She was a very bad idea dating wise. Most of the things I don't like. Barfly, socialite, indecisive, didn't know what she wanted, etc. Something inside me died back then. I wish I knew what.
Anyway, school's busy so I'll try and read everyone's blogs and keep up as best I can but it might be a log in every other week thing for a while.