A return to form, of sorts, last night. Fridays are dedicated to beer and Street Fighter. I play Street Fighter IV competitively, and on Fridays I gather with the illuminatus of the South Bay SF scene (with quite a few folks from the East Bay as well) to play in the invite-only private arcade we know as "Keystone II", hosted by our friend Albert C. We drink beer, we smoke out, we polish our games. I haven't attended KS2 in over a month now, and I haven't been playing much at home in that time, either. Boy, did it show. Time to stop chasin' these skirts and log some hours in the lab.
Yesterday afternoon was... odd. A stopped by the store and brought me lunch on her way to Ukiah to spend the night with the man that's likely to end up her next boyfriend. She kissed me sweetly and told me she loved me. All I could think was that I was sending her off to make love to another man, lay in another man's arms. I've had so many jealousy issues to deal with. Jealousy is a secondary emotion caused by other emotions, and this one is caused by anger. I'm being replaced. A keeps referencing my relationship with S, but S and I have an open relationship - the fact we're dating doesn't close off the possibility of A and I exploring our new dynamic. Her relationship with this new man, however, does. He is monogamous, and he's not going to understand how or why A is still involved with her ex. I'm also angry because I don't really care for the guy, personally. I find him to be opportunistic and fake. He's still in an exclusive relationship with another woman that he refuses to end, even though he spent most of the early part of his time with A telling her about how bad his relationship was with this other girl. He's said, on several occasions, what amounts to, "I need to see if you're worth breaking up with my current girlfriend," almost verbatim one day.
I let that anger bubble to the surface this week. A tearfully asked why I couldn't be more supportive, without realizing what she's asking me to do : willfully and eagerly push a woman I love with all of my heart out of my life entirely by encouraging her to explore her feelings for a man I dislike. I want her to be happy. So that's exactly what I've been doing this week.
Yesterday afternoon was... odd. A stopped by the store and brought me lunch on her way to Ukiah to spend the night with the man that's likely to end up her next boyfriend. She kissed me sweetly and told me she loved me. All I could think was that I was sending her off to make love to another man, lay in another man's arms. I've had so many jealousy issues to deal with. Jealousy is a secondary emotion caused by other emotions, and this one is caused by anger. I'm being replaced. A keeps referencing my relationship with S, but S and I have an open relationship - the fact we're dating doesn't close off the possibility of A and I exploring our new dynamic. Her relationship with this new man, however, does. He is monogamous, and he's not going to understand how or why A is still involved with her ex. I'm also angry because I don't really care for the guy, personally. I find him to be opportunistic and fake. He's still in an exclusive relationship with another woman that he refuses to end, even though he spent most of the early part of his time with A telling her about how bad his relationship was with this other girl. He's said, on several occasions, what amounts to, "I need to see if you're worth breaking up with my current girlfriend," almost verbatim one day.
I let that anger bubble to the surface this week. A tearfully asked why I couldn't be more supportive, without realizing what she's asking me to do : willfully and eagerly push a woman I love with all of my heart out of my life entirely by encouraging her to explore her feelings for a man I dislike. I want her to be happy. So that's exactly what I've been doing this week.