I had lunch today with M. We ate at Jalapeno's, a burrito joint in walking distance from the Santa Cruz wharf, and then walked down to the seaside to watch the tide for a bit. It was our first date, and it'll probably be our last. She's very nice, and I have no doubts we'll hang out again in the future, but I just didn't feel a very strong spark.
At this point, I'm reluctant to turn down prospects. My decision to "out" myself as polyamorous has had disastrous results on my romantic life, at best. I've taken the available pool of women in my area and cut it down to about 1/10th the size it was. Then I have to take that group and weed out those I find interesting, those that are actually poly versus being a bi-curious woman looking to meet another woman for her and her boyfriend/husband to fool around with, and those with whom I have anything in common. Half of these women are some variety of self-described "pagan". Which is fine in the let's exist in the same space sense, but inoperable in the I'm a hardcore atheist and think the very concept of the supernatural is ridiculous but maybe we can still date? sense.
Things have been discouraging, to say the least. S was amazing. I was falling for her so hard. And I fucked things up by making rookie mistakes, bad choices, and exercising poor judgment. It's 80% likely she's gone altogether, and even if she stays, I doubt she's ever going to want to be as vulnerable, open, or intimate with me as she was, and having her near but not in the space she was in is going to fucking kill me. She says she wants to talk. I'm pretty sure it's just so she can vent her anger with me to my face before she can end things officially and have the closure she needs.
Fuckin' ay. Just gotta' keep running face-first into that wall, I guess. What else is there to do.
At this point, I'm reluctant to turn down prospects. My decision to "out" myself as polyamorous has had disastrous results on my romantic life, at best. I've taken the available pool of women in my area and cut it down to about 1/10th the size it was. Then I have to take that group and weed out those I find interesting, those that are actually poly versus being a bi-curious woman looking to meet another woman for her and her boyfriend/husband to fool around with, and those with whom I have anything in common. Half of these women are some variety of self-described "pagan". Which is fine in the let's exist in the same space sense, but inoperable in the I'm a hardcore atheist and think the very concept of the supernatural is ridiculous but maybe we can still date? sense.
Things have been discouraging, to say the least. S was amazing. I was falling for her so hard. And I fucked things up by making rookie mistakes, bad choices, and exercising poor judgment. It's 80% likely she's gone altogether, and even if she stays, I doubt she's ever going to want to be as vulnerable, open, or intimate with me as she was, and having her near but not in the space she was in is going to fucking kill me. She says she wants to talk. I'm pretty sure it's just so she can vent her anger with me to my face before she can end things officially and have the closure she needs.
Fuckin' ay. Just gotta' keep running face-first into that wall, I guess. What else is there to do.