mrzombie

well thats one way to start a blog,

anyway ive been thinking all day about writing this and i apologise now for boring anybody, if at all anyone actually reads my entries, not that i write many. ive been feeling totaly fucking useless for ages now, i feel that everything i fucking touch turns to dust, i am completely fucking lazy, in Jan 2005 i started writing a journal, i would print out my writings and put them in a folder, but the last entry i wrote was fucking months ago, i go through my head what i want to write but do i get off my fat arse and actually put fingers to the keyboard, transfer my thoughts from my grey matter to this fucking little thing resting on my nuts (laptop that is) i really wanted to make a go of doing my journal i know that i can always write one long fuck off entry and cover the months that i havent written, but i want to get motivated to actually write more often, whether its daily, weekly monthly but not fucking 5 monthly.

about 5 years ago i started to write a story about a boy called Billy, who ended up in prison for murder, but i got to about two chapters and have given up i havent written anything on it for about 4 years, i dont seem happy with it anymore i am dissheartened by it and feel that it is utter shit, Alice tells me otherwise, but no matter how much she says she wants to know more and find out what happens i just dont seem to be able to write any more about Billy and how he got to prison etc.

i am a little bit of a collector, the things i collect arent your normal everyday things, i collect model police cars and other police related items, but for some time now i have given up on increasing my collections.

i have a drum kit sat in the corner of the lounge, it makes a fucking fantastic dust collector, i havent picked up the sticks for months, i am not a fantastic drummer admittedly and i need to keep learning and improve, but i never sit my arse down on the small stool and bash away at the skins, i want to sell the fuckers but then i decide that i want to increase my kit and carry on learning

Why the fuck have i become so fucking lazy and uninterested in myself and my interests, i never get off my fat arse and do anything. i feel i am one total lazy mother fucker, i dont feel that i help much around the house either, i leave most things to Alice, but i do try to help as much as i can

my work is fucking boring, i wont bore you all with the details of my mundane worthless job, it takes me an hour to get there because of catching two buses, i get in 20 minutes late and then when it is eventually time to go home it takes me another hour before i put my key in the lock and open the door to be greated by Alice and the cats.

i am the original Billy no mates, i have no friends at all, I knoe Alice is my best friend but i never find it easy to make friends but i find it so fucking easy to make enemies, people on here that are in my friends list probably dont know who the fuck i am, i rarely go and say hi to these people or make the effort to comment on their blogs or message them, i am sorry if you are on my friends list and never hear from me its not personal its just me being a miserable lazy fuckwit.

i dont value myself as a person and i truly do feel worthless and useless, about a year ago i had thoughts of ending my life, as you can no doubt tell i never went through with it i wont say why i wanted to do it or why i didnt do it, i had my reasons.

so if you started reading this how many of you are still here, how many of you are saying "oh for fucks sake shut the fuck up you miserable little wanker, (those of you who have seen the pic in alice's blog wont be saying little wanker hehehehehehe)

anyway thank you for listening to me

on a brighter note i am totally in love with Mrs Zombie Bear

bye for now