Why did I go anon? For these reasons. If you dont understand them, that is fine. They are mine and part of my new "agreements" I have with myself. If you would like to have your own, than by all means, discover Don Miguel Ruiz.
You might notice that this blog is not set to private. Why set anything to private. I have nothing to hide. I never did. It was my way of holding on to one of my old agreements. To live in fear. To be a victim. To be a Judge. But what does any of that bring me? Fear. Hell. Sadness. Why not be able to ACTUALLY look at the world and see beauty like all those ridiculous self help books promise? Maybe at some point it is true. That it IS possible to let go of abuse, and torment, sadness and fear and live with happiness and love.
I have beauty all around me. I have love. I have my own personal "heaven" just waiting for me to enjoy it. I have fantastic ppl in my life that love me, because I am a GOOD person. I am smart and caring and beautiful. I am many things that I have let other ppl try to destroy for way too long. Well not anymore. Now I am a "warrior" I fight for what I want. I fight for love, and I fight for my new agreements. What are these agreements?
These.
Sounds hokey doesnt it? Ya I kinda thought so too before I actually read the book. I read these agreements and something stirred inside me. I didnt know why. I kinda thought tho that it was curiosity. What IF those things are possible? Just what if? I what IF myself to death most days about horrible things, but What IF I did it and something positive came of it? Wouldnt that be worth it just once? *fuck I sound like an infomercial for this fucking book!* But as irritating as this must be to read, its completely true. This is ME talking. I originally wanted to just copy and paste parts of the book, but than I realized that I am not that book. I am me...and I LOVE me. If you dont? Thats ok, because I cant be hurt by those things anymore. I have released the past 14 years of abuse. I no longer will make my current relationships suffer because of things that some fucktards did to me. I cannot control them, I can only control my actions and feelings, and I choose to not give a flying fuck anymore.
SO instead of leaving, like I really wanted to do, I am staying. I had a good cleansing cry. I had a shower to wash away what I cried out. And I had an epiphany. I am loveable. I am pretty fucking fantastic. And nothing anyone tells me (bad or GOOD) can actually change how I feel about myself. Thats up to me. And if I dont start to ee that I am worth loving, I will never be loved. This fantastic man that would gladly kill a motherfucker for me without even flinching will never get close to me if I dont allow him to. That I have to let go of the conditioning that has happened for THIRTY FOUR years, and start new. It feels good. Feels good to know that for the first time in my life, I AM IN CONTROL.
Fishii
PS last but not least I got a package today. I went to me wish list and there are some things that have been purchased. There was no note so I cant thank you. Please know that you are part of the reason that I am back right now, and not in a month or two, if at all. Your gift is amazing!!!! Please send me a PM and let me that YOU. You dont have to say anything on my blog...and I wont either if you choose, but your gift made me cry some very happy tears...Thank you.
OH and i promise to catch up on blogs...give me time.
You might notice that this blog is not set to private. Why set anything to private. I have nothing to hide. I never did. It was my way of holding on to one of my old agreements. To live in fear. To be a victim. To be a Judge. But what does any of that bring me? Fear. Hell. Sadness. Why not be able to ACTUALLY look at the world and see beauty like all those ridiculous self help books promise? Maybe at some point it is true. That it IS possible to let go of abuse, and torment, sadness and fear and live with happiness and love.
I have beauty all around me. I have love. I have my own personal "heaven" just waiting for me to enjoy it. I have fantastic ppl in my life that love me, because I am a GOOD person. I am smart and caring and beautiful. I am many things that I have let other ppl try to destroy for way too long. Well not anymore. Now I am a "warrior" I fight for what I want. I fight for love, and I fight for my new agreements. What are these agreements?
These.
Sounds hokey doesnt it? Ya I kinda thought so too before I actually read the book. I read these agreements and something stirred inside me. I didnt know why. I kinda thought tho that it was curiosity. What IF those things are possible? Just what if? I what IF myself to death most days about horrible things, but What IF I did it and something positive came of it? Wouldnt that be worth it just once? *fuck I sound like an infomercial for this fucking book!* But as irritating as this must be to read, its completely true. This is ME talking. I originally wanted to just copy and paste parts of the book, but than I realized that I am not that book. I am me...and I LOVE me. If you dont? Thats ok, because I cant be hurt by those things anymore. I have released the past 14 years of abuse. I no longer will make my current relationships suffer because of things that some fucktards did to me. I cannot control them, I can only control my actions and feelings, and I choose to not give a flying fuck anymore.
SO instead of leaving, like I really wanted to do, I am staying. I had a good cleansing cry. I had a shower to wash away what I cried out. And I had an epiphany. I am loveable. I am pretty fucking fantastic. And nothing anyone tells me (bad or GOOD) can actually change how I feel about myself. Thats up to me. And if I dont start to ee that I am worth loving, I will never be loved. This fantastic man that would gladly kill a motherfucker for me without even flinching will never get close to me if I dont allow him to. That I have to let go of the conditioning that has happened for THIRTY FOUR years, and start new. It feels good. Feels good to know that for the first time in my life, I AM IN CONTROL.
Fishii
PS last but not least I got a package today. I went to me wish list and there are some things that have been purchased. There was no note so I cant thank you. Please know that you are part of the reason that I am back right now, and not in a month or two, if at all. Your gift is amazing!!!! Please send me a PM and let me that YOU. You dont have to say anything on my blog...and I wont either if you choose, but your gift made me cry some very happy tears...Thank you.
OH and i promise to catch up on blogs...give me time.
VIEW 25 of 37 COMMENTS
I LOVED The Four Agreements when I read it too; often when I find myself "tripping" on something in my life, it's because I've forgotten one of the agreements. You don't sound like an infomercial, you sound like an incredible, beautiful, intelligent, strong, woman who has decided to take a stand in her life. And that's always a triumph!
Thank you, btw, for the sweet testimonial. It made my night!