mrpoe1978

Thoughts currently swirling in my head that I must get out:

I often wish I wasn't so sensitive. Certain things that shouldn't affect me - seemingly small, inconsequential stuff - make me crumble. I suppose it just depends on my emotional state on that particular day. My main enemy is the reactions of others. I often don't say or do things because I'm so worried that the reaction will be negative or mean or rude. Acceptance of others is something I crave, but I have this tendency to be awkward around others.

Another thing I wish I was better at is showing my anger and displeasure. I'm an extremely mild-mannered person. Though the moods in my head are all over the fuckin place, my outward mood is generally consistent. Perhaps that's why, when I do show my anger ( and my anger is pretty different than many would consider anger), others act like I've done something truly bizarre, like its not ok for me to do it, as if I've stripped naked and ran down the hall. What bothers me most is when this reaction comes from those who are usually raving lunatics who treat others like shit on a regular basis.

I swear I used to be really good at making and keeping friends. Then, junior high happened. It really shouldn't be this difficult, should it? And I feel that whenever I finally get close to someone, they eventually leave. One of my biggest fears in life is being abandoned. I just want to keep a few great people close. I don't even know if this is making sense. I want to explain this better than I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally fucked. I just want to find people who get me, who understand me, who like me despite all of my issues.

These last few days have been a whirlwind of emotions as I have gotten to know someone who I can already tell is pretty damn special. If you're reading this, you know who you are. I hope you read this. I think. I worry about screwing things up.

I wish I had one of these.


And a dandy banana.