mrpoe1978

With one week left of summer break, before I go back to one of my true loves in life (teaching), I look back on summer 2012 as a near-waste. It started off well enough, but once I got into the thick of it, not having school to think and worry about, I was left to nearly drown in my own horrible, dark, anxiety-riddled thoughts. It certainly didn't help that my wife is having issues with her bipolar disorder, exacerbated by the fact that she continues to be unemployed. It didn't help that my mind made a return trip to body I age issue land. It didn't help that I often feel a though I s ply can't be around other people sometimes, yet simultaneously feeling a dreadful loneliness and yearning to be around others. No, none of that helped at all. I'm sick of worrying about what other people think of me. I'm sick of being so fucking hyper-aware of everyone else while I'm in public, while at the same time, a majority of people don't seem to give two shits about anyone else but themselves. I often feel like I am getting better at not worrying about what other people think, that I'm actually getting the hang of it, but then something happens and I go right back to where I was before.

I had a lofty goal of reading thirty books this summer. I only read eight, though I should finish at least my ninth this week. I did almost no art. I did very little writing, though I did quite a bit of journaling while on vacation. My wife and my trip to Utah was the awesome thing that saved my summer.

Though I will miss the freedom that my summer break affords, I look forward to getting back to teaching, one of the few things I feel totally comfortable and confident doing. When I am in my classroom with my students is when I feel that I amexactly where I belong. This is the most rewarding part of my life. Of course. With this return to school comes the icky fact that I also have to deal with other teachers and adults in my building and district, something I generally loathe. And go figure - I am the language arts department head. It will at least give me plenty of opportunity to continue working on not letting what others say and do (or don't do) get to me so god-damned much.

And even though the majority of this was bleak, I am beginning to feel hopeful again.