Welcome to the worlds longest journal entry as per your request.
Well, while I bite my lip on it, for many reasons, the drastic change change that I am 99% sure that I am going to be making in the next few months is that I am going to be moving to Vancouver and closing down the store that I own here. It is not that the store doesnt make moneywell it doesnt really, but it doesit is more that the stress of having to run it everyday and deal with certain people who are hell bent on making me the root of their own self-destruction has no longer become tolerable. This is not what I wanted for my life. I wanted more and something else.
I screw up all the timethat is fine I am capable of admitting my mistakes. So few have the capacity to do that. I just have slowly come to realize that alot of the efforts that I put in are wasted and no one really cares. It is bad enough that I have wasted the last 5 years doing this with no recognition. It is bad enough that I never took the scholorship to NYU when I had it. It is bad enough that I still make mistakes that do not further my life and my sanity. I may have some self-destructive factorssuch as drinking and smoking BUT at some point I have to actually make myself a better person for me, and no one else. I am too forgiving and too kind for my own good.
Not that anyone really wants to knowbut the reason I have toiling over this so hard is that my ex-gf lives in Vancouvernow I know it is a big city, but Winnipeggers have a way of finding other Winnipeggers no matter where they are. I do not wish to see her again. That woman made a mess of me, and I allowed it more than once. So that really has caused most of my dilemma that I have been in. I do not want to be moving to have anything to do with her.
Okayuseless backlog of story(readers digest form) She and I dated, we broke up for something that I did (well what she perceives what I didnot even going to get into it). She moved to Vancouver, we started to date again, after I found out that she had an abortion with what could have been my child (I say what could have because it might have also been someone elses...although she denies that anything happened then again I caught her in other lies that she would not admit) she didnt tell me until two weeks after she had the abortion, she made me believe that it was mineSo that messed me up, but I forgave her right away for what she did. I think abortion is okayI am actually pro-choiceI just think morally one should tell the other what is happening if you are talking to each other. Well, anyways..more messed up stuff happened and crossed wires and we stopped dating. She was supposed to return some stuff that I lent herthat she even sent me an email two months ago(which was ten months after we broke up) saying that she was going to mail it to me. Either wayshe is the reason I have been on the fence regarding some of this. The store is another reasonand then there is more but I am not dragging anything else into the digest form.
So yeahbetween the store and her I have been on the fence regarding it. Everything points towards Vancouverand I mean everything. I am just scared of the stuff that will happen. I am set to go on one hand and on the other I love my city and I really want to see it prosper like I know it is going to soon. It is one of the quickest growing economies out there.
I am trained to be a writer and a playwright. I even had a play performed recently(well I co-wrote it) and I have had some poetry published. I know that all my contacts are out in Vancouver and Victoria, actually a lot of the people I talk to live there. So, then the question really becomes am I doing it for myself and if so why am I trying to hold back hereeven though everything is pushing me that way. Even my family that is here is saying to move there. I have other family there, so it is not like I would be alone there. I just know that I would like to take a month or two and write for a while. I am not afraid of getting a job. I have an excellent sales record and after owning my own shop for nearly six years that too helps. So getting a job is not an issue. It is more that I would like to finish much of what I have started but have not had a chance to complete here.
I just think that I might have outgrown this city. I could move to Calgary, Edmonton, Toronto or Ottawa. I lived in three of them before but always came home very quickly. I didnt like Calgary, Edmonton or Torontoso that would leave me with Ottawa as my other choice. I havent talked to most of the people there in yearsSo it would be weird to go there.
So yeahI am looking at Vancouver because of my writing contacts are out there and I know other people out there I just want to make sure I am doing it for me and no other reason.
I used to be a different type of guyA typical guy, dating and leaving girls behind. I have changed that aspect of my life, so much so that I turn down sex now :S . Why I am saying that is because the girl I mentioned really did a good job on me, so much so that I really dont want to date anyone anymore. I love seeing the female form and I love everything about women, but alas I am scared of them now. I state this really because well I have no idea. I have had three beers and I can be such a cheap drunk sometimes. Ohh I know where I was heading with that. I havent dated because of the mess she made me and not being able to trust or have faith in anyone I just want to make sure it is for meI keep stressing that for a reason. I can move to Victoria, and stay with someone I know thereI would feel wrong doing that though. I should be able to make my own way in the world and not need to rely on anyone for help.
My friends here are great tooand my friends in BC are also greatthe ones here understand if I move, and the ones in BC understand if I stayIt is like a scale and it keeps tipping both ways. Today I got something that pretty much tells me it is time to pack it up and start heading for the mountains. I am not going to get into that but it was business-wise.
So yeahin summation my big dilemma has been
1. to close the store or not.
2. to move halfway across the country.
3. to live a particular city.
4. to do my writing.
I have enough stuff that I could sell on ebay for the next ten years and make moneyso making my way for the first while is not something that bothers me.
So many big decisions as I am looking at turning up my whole life and restarting again in a new place. I do not wish to live here if the store closes. My business partner (who is also my father) has really really made it intolerable for me. In Winnipeg I would run into him again and again. I really do not wish for that.
Well thanks for reading my babble
Darren
Well, while I bite my lip on it, for many reasons, the drastic change change that I am 99% sure that I am going to be making in the next few months is that I am going to be moving to Vancouver and closing down the store that I own here. It is not that the store doesnt make moneywell it doesnt really, but it doesit is more that the stress of having to run it everyday and deal with certain people who are hell bent on making me the root of their own self-destruction has no longer become tolerable. This is not what I wanted for my life. I wanted more and something else.
I screw up all the timethat is fine I am capable of admitting my mistakes. So few have the capacity to do that. I just have slowly come to realize that alot of the efforts that I put in are wasted and no one really cares. It is bad enough that I have wasted the last 5 years doing this with no recognition. It is bad enough that I never took the scholorship to NYU when I had it. It is bad enough that I still make mistakes that do not further my life and my sanity. I may have some self-destructive factorssuch as drinking and smoking BUT at some point I have to actually make myself a better person for me, and no one else. I am too forgiving and too kind for my own good.
Not that anyone really wants to knowbut the reason I have toiling over this so hard is that my ex-gf lives in Vancouvernow I know it is a big city, but Winnipeggers have a way of finding other Winnipeggers no matter where they are. I do not wish to see her again. That woman made a mess of me, and I allowed it more than once. So that really has caused most of my dilemma that I have been in. I do not want to be moving to have anything to do with her.
Okayuseless backlog of story(readers digest form) She and I dated, we broke up for something that I did (well what she perceives what I didnot even going to get into it). She moved to Vancouver, we started to date again, after I found out that she had an abortion with what could have been my child (I say what could have because it might have also been someone elses...although she denies that anything happened then again I caught her in other lies that she would not admit) she didnt tell me until two weeks after she had the abortion, she made me believe that it was mineSo that messed me up, but I forgave her right away for what she did. I think abortion is okayI am actually pro-choiceI just think morally one should tell the other what is happening if you are talking to each other. Well, anyways..more messed up stuff happened and crossed wires and we stopped dating. She was supposed to return some stuff that I lent herthat she even sent me an email two months ago(which was ten months after we broke up) saying that she was going to mail it to me. Either wayshe is the reason I have been on the fence regarding some of this. The store is another reasonand then there is more but I am not dragging anything else into the digest form.
So yeahbetween the store and her I have been on the fence regarding it. Everything points towards Vancouverand I mean everything. I am just scared of the stuff that will happen. I am set to go on one hand and on the other I love my city and I really want to see it prosper like I know it is going to soon. It is one of the quickest growing economies out there.
I am trained to be a writer and a playwright. I even had a play performed recently(well I co-wrote it) and I have had some poetry published. I know that all my contacts are out in Vancouver and Victoria, actually a lot of the people I talk to live there. So, then the question really becomes am I doing it for myself and if so why am I trying to hold back hereeven though everything is pushing me that way. Even my family that is here is saying to move there. I have other family there, so it is not like I would be alone there. I just know that I would like to take a month or two and write for a while. I am not afraid of getting a job. I have an excellent sales record and after owning my own shop for nearly six years that too helps. So getting a job is not an issue. It is more that I would like to finish much of what I have started but have not had a chance to complete here.
I just think that I might have outgrown this city. I could move to Calgary, Edmonton, Toronto or Ottawa. I lived in three of them before but always came home very quickly. I didnt like Calgary, Edmonton or Torontoso that would leave me with Ottawa as my other choice. I havent talked to most of the people there in yearsSo it would be weird to go there.
So yeahI am looking at Vancouver because of my writing contacts are out there and I know other people out there I just want to make sure I am doing it for me and no other reason.
I used to be a different type of guyA typical guy, dating and leaving girls behind. I have changed that aspect of my life, so much so that I turn down sex now :S . Why I am saying that is because the girl I mentioned really did a good job on me, so much so that I really dont want to date anyone anymore. I love seeing the female form and I love everything about women, but alas I am scared of them now. I state this really because well I have no idea. I have had three beers and I can be such a cheap drunk sometimes. Ohh I know where I was heading with that. I havent dated because of the mess she made me and not being able to trust or have faith in anyone I just want to make sure it is for meI keep stressing that for a reason. I can move to Victoria, and stay with someone I know thereI would feel wrong doing that though. I should be able to make my own way in the world and not need to rely on anyone for help.
My friends here are great tooand my friends in BC are also greatthe ones here understand if I move, and the ones in BC understand if I stayIt is like a scale and it keeps tipping both ways. Today I got something that pretty much tells me it is time to pack it up and start heading for the mountains. I am not going to get into that but it was business-wise.
So yeahin summation my big dilemma has been
1. to close the store or not.
2. to move halfway across the country.
3. to live a particular city.
4. to do my writing.
I have enough stuff that I could sell on ebay for the next ten years and make moneyso making my way for the first while is not something that bothers me.
So many big decisions as I am looking at turning up my whole life and restarting again in a new place. I do not wish to live here if the store closes. My business partner (who is also my father) has really really made it intolerable for me. In Winnipeg I would run into him again and again. I really do not wish for that.
Well thanks for reading my babble
Darren
The past is the past - we only have tomorrow and shall not rue yesterday. Do not make yourself or anyone in your future pay for some shitbag's mistakes and mistreatment of you. Big mistake. Give yourself what you deserve. If you have an uncomfortable, (painful even) "bump into" with your ex...it'll make you stronger. It's happened to me and I got over it. Amazing huh? We are remarkably resilient creatures, we humans. Don't let our species down.
Peace.