mrdaft

PULP CHRISTMAS





INT. '74 Sleigh (MOVING by power of reindeer) - MORNING



An old gas guzzling, dirty, RED 1974 Chevy Sleigh BARRELS down

a homeless-ridden street in Hollywood. In the front seat are

two OLDER fellas -- one jolly, one grinch -- both wearing cheap

SANTA suits with FLUFFY CUFFS AND COLLAR, A BIG BLACK BELT.

Their names are ST NICK CLAUS (jolly) and EBENZOR SCROOGE

(black). EBENZOR is behind the wheel.



EBENZOR

-- okay now, tell me about the fruitcake

bars?



ST. NICK

What so you want to know?



EBENZOR

Well, fruitcake is legal there, right?



ST. NICK

Yeah, it's legal, but is ain't a

hundred percent legal. I mean you

can't walk into a restaurant kitchen,

pull out ingredients, and start bakin' away.

You're only supposed to bake in

your home or certain designated

places.



EBENZOR

Those are fruitcake bars?



ST. NICK

Yeah, it breaks down like this:

it's legal to buy it, it's legal to

own it and, if you're the

proprietor of a fruitcake bar, it's

legal to sell it. It's legal to

carry it, which doesn't really

matter 'cause -- get a load of this

-- if the cops stop you, it's

illegal for this to search you.

Searching you is a right that the

cops in Amsterdam don't have.



EBENZOR

That did it, man -- I'm fuckin'

goin', that's all there is to it.



ST. NICK

You'll dig it the most. But you

know what the funniest thing about

Europe is?



EBENZOR

What?



ST. NICK

It's the little differences. A

lotta the same shit we got here,

they got there, but there they're a

little different.



EBENZOR

Examples?



ST. NICK

Well, in Amsterdam, you can buy

egg nog in a movie theatre. And I

don't mean in a paper cup either.

They give you a glass of egg nog, like

in a bar. In Paris, you can buy

egg nog at MacDonald's. Also, you

know what they call a christmas in Paris?



EBENZOR

They don't call it Christmas?



ST. NICK

No, they got the metric system

there, they wouldn't know what the

fuck a real Christmas is.



EBENZOR

What'd they call it?



ST. NICK

Joyeux Nol .



EBENZOR

(repeating)

Joyeux Nol. What'd they

call Halloween?



ST. NICK

Halloween, but they call

it Le Halloween.



EBENZOR

What do they call Easter?



ST. NICK

I dunno, I didn't stay long enough for easter

But you know what they do in Holland instead

of Christmas?



EBENZOR

What?



ST. NICK

St Nicholas arrives early in Holland with his gifts, in November. He is dressed in Bishop's robes and journeys in a boat with his helper who is called Black Peter and who wears Spanish clothes. Many people go to Amsterdam docks to greet him. He mounts a snow horse and rides through the streets in a great parade, amid many festivities.

December 5th is Sinterklaas Eve or Sinterklass Eve, and presents are given and received.


All Dutch children know that Sinterklaas or Sinterklass lived in Spain, where he spends his time recording the behavior of all the children in his little red book, while Piet stocks up on the presents


EBENZOR

Goddamn!



ST. NICK

I seen 'em do it. And I don't mean

a little bit on the side of the

month, they fuckin' ruin that holiday

week over there.


Christmas Day is a religious time, and the day is spent with visits to Church. In the afternoon, people sit around the tree, sing carols and tell stories


EBENZOR

Uuccch!