mrcrisp

the official story is that i lost $2,500 playing poker. faced with the possibility of winning four times that back, i considered my actions not only to be excusable but also valiant. the truth is slightly less noble, and yet far more grotesque. as a testament to my depravity, an effigy of the impulsiveness that's ruled my life up until now, perhaps it's only just that it remains buried. bouncing between mania and depression, like with a short circuit, my self-control was overloaded. or at least marginalized. but, in classic crisp fashion, i've committed to shrugging it off and moving on. this is the last, and the most, that i will write about it.

i'm shedding like a snake. with daily highs peaking well above 90F i find that i'm spending more time at the beach, or at the houses of others, than at my own home. fallen into destitution, this place serves only as a stepping point between destinations. i mean, i have to shave somewhere. it's only given, then, that i return to a dark home, a stack of overdue bills in my box. i'm really not fit to have my own home. and i would prefer not to.

the girlfriend finds amazing ways to piss me off. she wanted to talk to me yesterday and asked if i would be available. "i'm about to go out to a friend's and see a movie," i said, "so maybe." and she writes back to me, "if you don't want to talk, just say so." what kind of passive-aggressive bullshit is that? and this isn't anything new. things had gotten to the point where i was away from home long enough that my cellphone was dying on a regular basis, so much so that it prompted her to demand that i carry a charger around with me. she doesn't think we talk enough; sometimes i think we talk too much. so when we finally set time aside to have a conversation today i'm surprised to find that she really has little to say. failing to elaborate on any topic, or to at least carry this discussion past a single sentence on her part, she still gets flustered when i plainly ask "if you've been so desperate to talk to me lately, why can't you say anything when we do?" maybe i'm just an asshole, but it's true.

why i don't just call it quits is beyond me.

but i'm still doing other things.

it's frustrating, honestly.

i honestly don't think many of my acquaintances on this site care anymore, so this is more of a diary than anything. or a journal. whichever is less feminine.

we spend our lives making peace with our true nature. i'm spending my days trying to milk the most out of my life before i finally have to start up with that remorse bullshit.