i suppose i'm lucky that i only had one cockroach. one disgusting cockroach that took to lounging on its back for hours after gorging on my trash. i found him there, in his vulnerable position, and left him there while i searched for comrades. when, and only when, i was sure that there were no witnesses, i smashed the fucker and kicked him out of my house. that dead beat.
i had dreams where my loud and rowdy neighbors came over and harassed me for something. i can hear them even now, throwing a party of some sort (as they're wont to do). so in this dream, i was too drunk to drive down to the manager's office to complain, so i had to call a cab. realistically, the manager's office is a 2 minute walk from my apartment, but dreams adhere not to reality. instead i realized that if i was too drunk to even make it to the office on my own, i might have more problems than sociopathic neighbors.
i have a trash bag filled with bottles that weren't always in that bag. in fact, up until the cockroach incident, the bottles had decorated every flat surface in the apartment. crawling into bed last night, i discovered two more forgotten bottles lying on the floor. there was one in the shower as well.
in fact, as i write this in the head (forgive my classiness), i notice that there is a new empty bottle sitting in my shower. i don't remember when i drank that at all.
my leg hurts. more than ever, there's this feeling that it's being simultaneously burned and rent from where it meets my groin. it's been like this for a year now (since its initial injury in boot camp), but it hasn't been anything like this. it had been working rather painlessly if only for the fact that after boot camp i had little to do at work but sit at a desk and study. now that my job requires me to climb up and down ladders to get from station to station around the submarine, i'm noticing the pain a lot more. in fact, it hurts whether i'm standing, sitting, walking, or sleeping. it hurts so much that i've been temporarily restricted from boarding the boat and given an appointment to see the doc on monday.
i told one of the senior petty officers that i was planning on coming in this weekend to get ahead at work. at first, he asked me if i didn't have anything better to do, listing off all the interesting locales in the charleston area in an attempt to dissuade me from coming in. when that didn't work, he resorting to being much more blunt. "what's the point of coming in and putting in that extra work if you can't even climb into the boat?" he asked. "do you really think they're going to keep you around here when you can't do your job?"
and he was right. as of now, i'm expecting to hear if i'm going to have to go into physical therapy or what, but i was told that it is highly likely that i will be put on hold and that i won't be able to work for a while. and i was given a handful of pills that, unsurprisingly, don't work.
alcohol does work, though. it works almost too well. the beer down here, in the bible belt, is far too expensive, and they won't even sell it on sundays. but the malt liquor is bountiful, and slightly cheaper. and who doesn't love a good 40?
katie wrote to me this morning, saying "i saw somebody 40s and i thought of you." i agreed to stop drinking when she flies in on thursday, even abstaining from a beer or wine at dinner. i've been drinking excessively since i left arcata two weeks ago. some time off won't kill me.
i'm starting to lose focus here, so i'll just type out the rest in a mess.
she wants me to leave the navy. my jobs dangerous and stupid and not entirely something i really want to do. i want to leave the navy. i also want to stay because it's afforded me numerous opportunities. i don't want my leg to hurt. i like alcohol. i don't want to be an alcoholic. if my leg keeps preventing me from doing my job, it's a possibility that i will get discharged. katie is actually very supportive, even though she hates the military, even though she hates having me away. she knows that any decision i make i have to make for myself. she's pretty fucking cool.
and what the fuck just happened on lost? the new season is so fucking great.
yeah, that was random.
i just feel trapped right now, in life. i'm watching it all move on its own and i'm wondering just what's going to happen next.
now to go clean the house before katie comes down. this should be fun.
i had dreams where my loud and rowdy neighbors came over and harassed me for something. i can hear them even now, throwing a party of some sort (as they're wont to do). so in this dream, i was too drunk to drive down to the manager's office to complain, so i had to call a cab. realistically, the manager's office is a 2 minute walk from my apartment, but dreams adhere not to reality. instead i realized that if i was too drunk to even make it to the office on my own, i might have more problems than sociopathic neighbors.
i have a trash bag filled with bottles that weren't always in that bag. in fact, up until the cockroach incident, the bottles had decorated every flat surface in the apartment. crawling into bed last night, i discovered two more forgotten bottles lying on the floor. there was one in the shower as well.
in fact, as i write this in the head (forgive my classiness), i notice that there is a new empty bottle sitting in my shower. i don't remember when i drank that at all.
my leg hurts. more than ever, there's this feeling that it's being simultaneously burned and rent from where it meets my groin. it's been like this for a year now (since its initial injury in boot camp), but it hasn't been anything like this. it had been working rather painlessly if only for the fact that after boot camp i had little to do at work but sit at a desk and study. now that my job requires me to climb up and down ladders to get from station to station around the submarine, i'm noticing the pain a lot more. in fact, it hurts whether i'm standing, sitting, walking, or sleeping. it hurts so much that i've been temporarily restricted from boarding the boat and given an appointment to see the doc on monday.
i told one of the senior petty officers that i was planning on coming in this weekend to get ahead at work. at first, he asked me if i didn't have anything better to do, listing off all the interesting locales in the charleston area in an attempt to dissuade me from coming in. when that didn't work, he resorting to being much more blunt. "what's the point of coming in and putting in that extra work if you can't even climb into the boat?" he asked. "do you really think they're going to keep you around here when you can't do your job?"
and he was right. as of now, i'm expecting to hear if i'm going to have to go into physical therapy or what, but i was told that it is highly likely that i will be put on hold and that i won't be able to work for a while. and i was given a handful of pills that, unsurprisingly, don't work.
alcohol does work, though. it works almost too well. the beer down here, in the bible belt, is far too expensive, and they won't even sell it on sundays. but the malt liquor is bountiful, and slightly cheaper. and who doesn't love a good 40?
katie wrote to me this morning, saying "i saw somebody 40s and i thought of you." i agreed to stop drinking when she flies in on thursday, even abstaining from a beer or wine at dinner. i've been drinking excessively since i left arcata two weeks ago. some time off won't kill me.
i'm starting to lose focus here, so i'll just type out the rest in a mess.
she wants me to leave the navy. my jobs dangerous and stupid and not entirely something i really want to do. i want to leave the navy. i also want to stay because it's afforded me numerous opportunities. i don't want my leg to hurt. i like alcohol. i don't want to be an alcoholic. if my leg keeps preventing me from doing my job, it's a possibility that i will get discharged. katie is actually very supportive, even though she hates the military, even though she hates having me away. she knows that any decision i make i have to make for myself. she's pretty fucking cool.
and what the fuck just happened on lost? the new season is so fucking great.
yeah, that was random.
i just feel trapped right now, in life. i'm watching it all move on its own and i'm wondering just what's going to happen next.
now to go clean the house before katie comes down. this should be fun.
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Also, wildswan clearly has a thing for uniforms. I suggest that even if you leave the service you hang on to the duds.