I once had a dream, a very brief dream, in which I opened myself up. I took off my shirt and pressed my fingers to the middle of my chest. With supernatural strength, like a surgeon cracking a ribcage, I tore it wide open.
As I was ripping myself apart, I felt an overwhelming fear.
I wanted to be full of light. I wanted sunbeams or bright bright headlights to shoot out of me. Bodhisattva style.
My fear was that inside of me I would find something else entirely. Something dark. A foul stench. Rotting flesh. Maggots. Insects. Decay.
I was afraid that if I opened my heart, literally, it would be filthy and disgusting and repulsive.
And then I awoke.
As I was ripping myself apart, I felt an overwhelming fear.
I wanted to be full of light. I wanted sunbeams or bright bright headlights to shoot out of me. Bodhisattva style.
My fear was that inside of me I would find something else entirely. Something dark. A foul stench. Rotting flesh. Maggots. Insects. Decay.
I was afraid that if I opened my heart, literally, it would be filthy and disgusting and repulsive.
And then I awoke.
Well, there's a lot to be said for being a passionate soul, and even capping that off with not being violently so. I'd encourage you to take it easier on yourself in regard to that. You are a passionate soul and have masterfully balanced that with reason (realizing what went on, not being all violent about ita lot of people cant do that, or choose NOT TO). Huge kudos.
As for your beloved, I've never been in such a position. Hard to respond, though my heart goes out to youI wanted to share healing thoughts.
Maybe you're thinking you're not allowed to feel hurt? Rather than allowing for that very normal feeling? Allowing it to take its course? Just a question, rhetorical...
No one wants someone they love to leave. Anyone who says they dont feel hurt about, or torn up about ittheyre just good liars. Were all individual, we handle these things in different ways. So many people are expert at presenting their best face to others in all situations. It can be easy to forget this when things or situations feel like theyre at their worst.
Yes...despite the fact there are worlds of wondrous people around, you can't "replace" good fits like parts that have gone bad, or tires gone flat. No clich or truism is going to make that feel any better, sometimes.
From what you're saying, though, it sounds like you're handling it quite valiantly. Honesty helps. It's harder when one lies to oneself, or it can be made to seem more difficult. I don't see any of that here.
Ever heard of that Zen concept...I don't know technically what it's called, but Alan Watts called it "the flip." In the concept, you'll find you're at the lowest point in life, in a situation, or in an idea, and all of a sudden, when you've reached the bottommost point, you're out of it, 180 degrees away from it, starting over, and doing well, or even, very well. It's not like that 12-steppy 'bottoming out' idea. It's different.
I intuit that you're going through that.
As for fear, whether it's in a dream, or in the day to day, fear is not fact. There is so much light, so much brightness and sun in your spirit (even in the midst of your most salacious, biting wit!). I'm sure your friends have told you this before. Maybe it wasn't called "lightness," but humor's humor! I see that in your persistence of vision, too. In the Beat parts of you. Willingness to beat down the doors and get all the truth and experience you can. About M, though, the feeling just plain sucks, I can see that. I wish you continued healing and insight in this process. Wish there was a magic pillthere are, but they dont seem to be programmable for specific things like this (sigh)
Here's to thoughts of continued resolution. Peace of mind. Positive "flip." (Clink!)
sj
As always.
I was just gonna go with damn straight!
Breaking up sucks ass.
Just go get really wasted.
That's my advice.
Either way. Hello new san diego person
later
lmh