Have been feeling down about a couple relationships in my life. The most prominent being the one with my ex, M. I've been so preoccupied with my own heartbreak over her, it's started to cloud my judgement with others.
The other day I was feeling heartbroken, and needy, and fat, and ugly, and lonely (oh, so lonely). I ended up in the arms of a friend, someone I like but do not love. It was convenient and comfortable and felt so nice to touch her body, so close to mine. In the end though, I misread the situation and ended up hurting her. Ergh. That was not cool of me, at all. Spreading rejection like a virulent disease, or maybe like butter on toast.
(prepare for waxing philisophic)
The closet taoist in me has two thoughts.
1) Once I was watching late night TV and I saw this cheesy ad. They said speaking Spanish is as easy as spelling the word "socks". Eso si que es. Not really sure about the accuracy of my tranlation, but I take it to mean "if it is, it is".
Another riff on this theme comes from one of my heroes, Laurie Anderson. In the song "It Tango" she says, "That's the way it goes. It goes that way."
2) note to self: remember, it goes the other way too sometimes
I am not a religious man, but I do have a set of morals by which I try to live my life. A central tenant: I try to be a positive influence on the lives of those around me. I'm no boddhisativa, but it is important for me to try and lift the spirits of those around me as I try to lift my own. The filpside is, when I come crashing down, I run the risk of dragging people along with me. When it come to affairs of the heart, things can get stickly so very quickly.
The other day I was feeling heartbroken, and needy, and fat, and ugly, and lonely (oh, so lonely). I ended up in the arms of a friend, someone I like but do not love. It was convenient and comfortable and felt so nice to touch her body, so close to mine. In the end though, I misread the situation and ended up hurting her. Ergh. That was not cool of me, at all. Spreading rejection like a virulent disease, or maybe like butter on toast.
(prepare for waxing philisophic)
The closet taoist in me has two thoughts.
1) Once I was watching late night TV and I saw this cheesy ad. They said speaking Spanish is as easy as spelling the word "socks". Eso si que es. Not really sure about the accuracy of my tranlation, but I take it to mean "if it is, it is".
Another riff on this theme comes from one of my heroes, Laurie Anderson. In the song "It Tango" she says, "That's the way it goes. It goes that way."
2) note to self: remember, it goes the other way too sometimes
I am not a religious man, but I do have a set of morals by which I try to live my life. A central tenant: I try to be a positive influence on the lives of those around me. I'm no boddhisativa, but it is important for me to try and lift the spirits of those around me as I try to lift my own. The filpside is, when I come crashing down, I run the risk of dragging people along with me. When it come to affairs of the heart, things can get stickly so very quickly.
I imagine you inspired someone, even as you were seeking your own inspiration in moments. I don't think that the idea's a typical one. Or that "rejection" is involved from the little I know of this. There is so much to like in the world, I'm sure that's what your connection represented. Skin on skin is like an elegant handshake. Greeting. Party! Vacation spot.
I don't think the girl feels rejected, in my opinion. She is probably just withdrawing. The word "withdraw" is an interesting one. You can "withdraw" toward, or away from something. Withdrawing from society, withdrawing to warm arms, and a warm smile. Where is the mystery or "hurt" in this?
I imagine that girl has a little bit of sufi in her. Maybe just unexpected emotions show up. They do that sometimes. It doesn't sound uncool in my estimation. You probably both sought and got what you wanted: warmth! Cold day, rainy (which is beautiful!) you find a lovely restaurant where the music's great and they have fantastic heaters! You sit there for a while. God this food's pretty good. Nice I can see the view and get a little warm. Then, leaving, you reflect on it. "I liked that meal..." I'll have to do that a little more often. Little spring in your step, maybe, as you walk by there. Where is the 'hurt' in that?
You can't help it if you're a lightbringer and a dear soul. You cannot, by definition, control the feelings of another!
From what I know of a bit of offline backstory, it sounds like that girl rhapsodizes people, places and things. Waxes beatific on them. Maybe she is just withdrawing now because of making a different choice. If you both went in with honesty and that has been the through line, I don't think there is any burden or "ouch" about it. Maybe just savor the fruit of the goodness of it, as you can. That is probably what she is doing! You're a beat poet, with flavor! Maybe it was just an experience thing! Maybe the experience chanced the trajectory of her ideas, like seeing a really excellent film. Think on it like that. "s.o.c.k.s."